Surfing Anxiety

That’s what it feels like when I allow myself to feel anxiety without collapsing into it and drowning in it.

Not to panic in response to it being there. Sit back and relax. Hello there. A handshake but no long introduction.

So to be with it, with a lighter touch. Notice it in the body and allow, lean back a little. There’s an exquisite intensity to surfing it like this.

This morning in bed for an hour before I got up, I rested in awareness. Noticing the thoughts as they arose and sat back deeply inside into noticing. There’s such an intensity in relaxed alert awareness. Sitting in it and the noticing of thoughts that want to drag me around with their commentary. And breathing from low down.

Yesterday started with a new therapy client. It was excellent and tricky, as she isn’t chatty. High intelligence and self awareness so we could get straight to a deep level. She knew attachment theory and which type she is and is attracted to too. I had to pause often and allow words to come to me. How to learn to love in a way the parents weren’t able to love us, a way we need to be loved and fully accepted to relax the habitual contracted response to life to ourselves, and to flower. I left her feeling more optimistic. That’s often the case with first sessions, and it’s important to manage expectations. They need to know it’s easy but not quick to raise our own inner thermostat setting. It requires wanting to, so dedication and application. Remembering.

Then a walk and talk client in the park. Same subject, different angle according to each person’s needs and level of understanding and denial. Some breakthroughs into truth and tears with it with that client. An ENFP encountering repeated disappointments is not a happy sight. She like I was, is devoted to her own idealistic view. It’s been a her defence and survival mechanism and part of her identity.

Then I actually did some design work. It felt great to be back int he swing of things. To do the deep dive of concentrating for hours and hours it required.

Watched talks by Angelo DiLullo in the background and got the design done enough to meet that client today with it. Here’s the talk – now had my 4th listen. The interviewer asks really great deep questions about the awakening process,

Excellent, well done to me for doing the work. I need to encourage myself and enjoy doing that when I’m motivated like this. It feels good to say well done to myself. And remember how great it feels to be productive.

Nothing like a bit of urgency to get me going. And that’s what it’s starting to feel like. That client is only getting their inheritance money in the new year though. 3 weeks to go and no work lined up next. That old story. I have another to price though. And no new enquiries. This is unusual even for this time of year but the economy out there. It’s a big recession on. The wreckage from the hysteria induced covid mitigation efforts, all those unnecessary lockdowns when the vast majority of the population were not at risk. They could have done a careful focussed protection for the vulnerable. What do I know, maybe it’s the end of this kind of system and it all perfect divine choreography. A less materially focussed world.

Then at 6 I went back out to the park with the dog in the beautiful golden evening sunshine beaming on the old stone bridge, built in the 1700s. A new chill in the air, leaves starting to fall. A walk up to the woods along the river, through the fields. A very comforting sit on my bouncy branch.

Back here to a call from a dear old school friend which lasted almost 3 hours. A lot of listening and I was careful when I talked. She doesn’t really know me any more. See her once every 5 years or longer. Treading carefully through her grief, she is mid a long process of recovery and change. A not-open person being open, uncomfortable for her and hopefully it was helpful for her to have an ear. She was drinking and there was much repeating. Which has been characteristic of her calls to me for many years and why there aren’t many of them. This year calamity had struck. She had lost her husband of over 30 years to suicide early this year. She found him and cut him down herself. So I can give her my time with love. I politely said good night when it got late. It took me an hour to go to sleep.

Today I have 2 therapy clients in the morning starting shortly. And then over the city to show that client the design. Then a walk with E in the park probably this afternoon. My son is reading an Eckhart Tolle book. That was joyful music for my heart to hear. The unhappiness is making him dig deeper. It’s a good day.

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