Being awake in bed and just being for a while. Not doing anything. Not picking up the iPad. No rush to get active and start doing things, to be entertained, educated…to notice, allow and resist that desire to have something to focus on…..just for a while.
I can lie here and just be aware……see, it’s not so scary. I don’t have to be afraid of the thoughts. They can come. And I’ll notice as they arise. Notice the thoughts ringing out for attention, and not pick up. Opening to the space inside of always present awareness. I can just rest here.
Tentative about just being. Isn’t that interesting. That intensity of intimacy with the present. And nothing else. Just being here. Settling in to this feeling of presence. A feeling of presence, is that what I am.
Today is a wet day outside, it’s been a while. The smells entice me out to the river. First there’s a therapy client. From Israel, second session. so so badly treated as a child. A design to do, another to cost.
Yesterday started with a therapy client. This guy is incredible. Another awful childhood. He has high high anxiety, has been unhappy all his life and has risen in life to a very senior and well paid position. With all that weight. And then another therapy client, a first meeting in the park. That was wonderful. Getting busy.
Then I saw the men on site, sat and had a roll up with them and a 20 min chat about all sorts, family, work…
And then back here by 2. And the rest of the day I felt a little bored. Well very bored actually. Did some more AI art. Wanted to go back outside or for a swim but didn’t have the energy.
The dog is snoring and I find it such an endearing beautiful sound, it’s perhaps associated with her being fully relaxed. A rare occurrence. we have our daily routine. Her tendency towards routine keeps me in a little bit of one. There’s a predictable choreography to the mornings. It’s a lovely little framework.
The temperature is starting to drop here as we head into autumn, and I’m not putting on the gas central heating yet much. The cost now! And it’s not necessary to heat the whole house, wow, that was an extravagant habit looking back. I can live in one room and be cosy with a little fire and wrap up more. Quite like the challenge. Let’s see what happens when it’s snow outside. I remember my dad turning off the bedroom radiators upstairs every day and shutting those doors when I was a child, to save money.
I can feel an anxiety arising and falling inside. Like it’s looking for something to justify it’s existence. It doesn’t feel safe. The anxiety looks for a reason not to feel safe in thoughts. The brain registers the threat signal from the anxiety and is triggered to look for danger. It is a prediction machine and off it goes looking for things that might go wrong, might fall apart, might cause pain. And as I know from long experience now, can end up becoming a big story of potential catastrophe which strengthens the anxiety.
I can just go straight to it, and be with that anxiety. Drop into the body. Locate it. Breathe. Give it space to be there. Imagine a wide rim around it of space within which it can move and expand into. I don’t have to contract away from it. I can handle just being with it instead. It’s okay. Not so painful. And it subsides with me barely noticing. Many times this is done. The anxiety is a well worn neural pathway. New habits take time to form. And the rewards of this new habit are enormous. To be in life with less fear. Less fear means other things can arise, now free to come out. To keep going is an act of kindness, to be with feelings in this way builds resilience.
I notice the leaves and seeds dropping in the woodland, breaking the stillness and silence with a movement and soft sound as they land on the ground…..so beautiful.