This and that

This client had started talking about a huge problem we have neglected to deal with properly, hinting at suing me, very hostile, insulting….I kept replying calmly with detachment. I’d wait a day so that I wasn’t responding reactively.

Inside I was freaking out quite a bit after emails and texts. Reactivity. To have someone respond like this over next to nothing. It triggered me. How ungrateful my mind said. Oh shit there’s going to me trouble my mind said.

I went yesterday and it’s a next to nothing problem. Huge exaggeration in their part. Some pointing and cleaning. That’s it.

And I show myself how reacting like I did with fear and hostility thoughts is a waste of energy. It’s pointless poison. Equanimity. This must be learned!

I spent 3 hours with E. A sunny slow walk to the usual magical spots, a sit on the bouncy branch. Some staring individually in silence at nature. A long lunch then another walk. Much depth of conversation. The whole thing actually. Heaven for me.

Then a meeting with the new business mentor. I notice how all over the place I am talking. How I want to show off in some respects. little nervous so not fully serious and centred, jittery, chatty. Sending a message to him ‘I’m a bit eccentric even crazy and yet I manage all this’. The identity trying to build itself as I’m breaking it apart elsewhere in life. How sneaky.

I notice when I have interactions with men, I have a mild disappointed response inside when I see a wedding ring. That is weird. I do t know what I feel about that. What does it mean? Am I prospecting for potential partners out there, looking for romance? I’m really not. Yet I’m on match so I am. Contradictory thoughts around it. No sexual promptings at all these days. Part of me is looking though, maybe a part of the old conditioning thinks we all should have partners. Or it could just be a biological evolution thing. Men and women….Then a secondary reaction, I’m relieved that they are married and relax. There’s something going on I don’t understand.

Today I have a therapy client and then a new therapy client, a walk and talk in the park. I notice more men coming to me for therapy. It’s 50/50 at the moment. I don’t know what it means. There seems to be a crisis out there, I read that there’s a mental health crisis. No wonder after what they did to people the last couple of years.

I see it as an evolutionary surge. Old coping mechanisms, defence mechanisms breaking down, rules for living no longer working…..and people looking for alternative strategies that are more authentic.

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