Looking at my Reactivity

Looking at where there’s reactiveness inside to events or people recently.

– I got an email response from a client who had not replied to my texts for over a month so I’d emailed her the other day. I got a warm reaction to that. She hasn’t ‘fallen out’ with me after all I thought.

I had reacted inside negatively about this lack of contact (and absence of any payment for the work we have done) pretty strongly, having hostile feelings towards her, and on the back of that deciding I wouldn’t do the job even if she wanted me to. Imagining trouble once we get more involved if this is how she reacts now. I picked up from the first meeting that we weren’t compatible personality wise, in terms of meyers briggs anyway. I’ve had thoughts that she’s rude, that I don’t like her, she has poor ethics. She hasn’t offered to pay me for the work done, but wants a call to explain the delay, neighbour troubles with the proposals.

– brought pizza to my uncles last night and we sat in the garden chatting. He brought up my sister’s kids and most kids these days and how they are kind of mollycoddled and get too much attention. I was just leaving and could have just left it but I had to wade in with my own two cents with a little complaint, a memory of my dog being banned for several years because one of the kids was scared of her. I thought it was wiser to gradually acclimatise the kid to the dog instead of allowing her to give into her fears. Anyways….maybe I was right or wrong doesn’t matter. It was a little go at my sisters parenting. Why did I do that? Sibling rivalry? Perhaps. Unnecessary too. So that memory triggered me.

– I’m having a bit of an ongoing reaction now that I know the young man upstairs is struggling with a mother in hospital and a father who is mentally unwell. It’s concern and some tinges of fear. I suppose that’s what concern is?

– bit of reactiveness when I think of my friend N. We aren’t talking much these days after spending much time together. I had told him I don’t enjoy being criticised so much and that I don’t like or want so much small talk. I feel various things. Disappointment. Sadness. Also that I’m at peace with that lack of contact, kind of having a reaction to myself about that! How can I be at peace with that. I just am. ‘Regard every experience as if you chose it’ kind of way.

– shame. I’m having that reaction occasionally when I look in the mirror. How old and unattractive I look. Most of the time I am fine about how I look. Also having a small reaction about caring less about how I look. It was always such a big part of my identity, being attractive. Just another aspect of the false self falling away I guess.

– ‘The next job’. I have a strong reaction inside when I think ahead to what might happen if we don’t have a job lined up to go to. Fear and anxiety. This is a recurring strong reaction. And it effects my mood quite regularly. I am afraid of telling the men there’s no work so I can’t pay them. I’m afraid because I dont want to of disappoint them. I’m afraid of losing them too, and not having a team when the next job does become ready. Already have that situation for two of them who are off doing their own thing. The other 5 are directly employed though and I consider I have more of a commitment to them. I want to give them the best experience possible. So the thought of my wishes, my likes and dislikes not being catered for, causes a reaction. Not being in control too of what might happen. And yet for the many years I’ve worried about ‘the next job’ we always find a job lined up to go to, I make it happen or some client who has been out of touch turns up unexpectedly, basically we survive and keep going.

– my son. I have to work hard to stay balanced about this. Really hard. Allow the feelings to come and go. There’s lots of them. Fears.

– I have reaction to the thought that some people can’t be healed, they are too damaged. That reaction is strong sadness. A sadness for them, and for me that I am unable to maintain the belief that there’s hope for everyone. An attachment to that belief, and to the idealism side of this personality that I’ve formed as part of the identity. Attachment to a strong preference. That has to be let go of.

– strong fear reaction to clients who are annoyed with me. Sadness too And that turns into hostility back to them often.

The reactiveness comes from an attachment to preference of an outcome and it’s showing up to be acknowledged and let go of.

Long and broken sleep. Sore back waking me up. Dog coming in to say hello a lot! Mood is stable though I notice a little fear starting to arise when I think of ‘the next job’ and how we don’t have one lined up yet. We still have about 4 weeks though….so not panicking yet.

Today I’ve just had great session with a therapy client, then meeting M shortly a problem situation with drainage at a previous garden with a client who is annoyed with me! Then meeting E for a walk. And a business mentor meeting at 5. Signed up for a day long course on Friday all about Shame.

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