Woke up late and a bit disturbed in the feelings. Such a long intense real dream with M. He’s the friend I’m having a hiatus from, due to his focus on what’s wrong in the world. Had to for my well-being, not be around such anger.
In the dream I was in love with him, waiting for a commitment and for him to make up his mind about a life together. Eventually turned to me and gave me a long explanation of why he didn’t want a domestic arrangement with me, just wasn’t right for him. I felt that rejection so hard in the dream, it was like the biggest gut punch. Everything I didn’t want to hear. I said to him it was the first time in a long time he had been direct about how he feels and I suggested to him that what he was saying wasn’t true, and he was avoiding his true feelings. He agreed that was possible. And there I was on the hope drip again.
So odd how a dream can effect one’s mood. I think it’s the rejection. I don’t love you enough from him, touching on, “you’re not good enough”, “you’re not lovable” core beliefs from childhood. The remnants of which are still lingering which this dream is showing me. Then I was considering plastic surgery to try and be lovable and attractive enough. I even looked it up when I woke up. I have been saying for years I’d get a facelift when I’m 60. Though think I’m getting to a point I love myself enough as I am to have lost motivation. No judgment towards anyone who does, the conditioning is strong on women, especially some families to look attractive. Like mine. I have heavy duty conditioning from both my grandmother and mother about this.
After that part of the dream I’m with M and surprised that he has adopted a 1 year old baby. Now he appeared to want to be with me, probably needed me to help I thought. Now I wasn’t sure at all that I wanted to take on this child, in fact I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to. I remember asking him about this child’s background and being concerned for its future with such a start, not being with its parents. It seemed disturbed. I had a sense it would always be disturbed after such a bad start.
Now I’m writing this I’m realising this child in the dream was probably M, as he was adopted and has been disturbed from it. And the dream was showing me that I’m not equipped to deal with an adult disturbed child.
Or maybe since I was working on tidying up a photo of myself as one year old it is me, this child in the dream. Carl Jung said that everyone in a dream is an aspect of ourselves. And of course M is me anyway….and we are all are each other.
So it was all a bit fraught. And here I am sitting with the imperative to love and accept myself even more unconditionally.
I visited an old friend W yesterday. Very long beautiful walk with many special moments out in the country lanes around her house. And difficult moments. Listening to her raging against the government. Resentments, anger, complaints. Almost entirely bounced off of me, but I decided as a kindness to myself to not go in for the lunch that she had invited me to. Just looking after myself. Boundaries. I note that a book about self compassion and destructive thoughts called to me to bring it to her as I was leaving and I didn’t pick it up. Note to self-trust those intuitive impulses. I’ll drop it by this week. Then to see my mum. That was all fine. Bit of fun interaction with R online.
Maybe it’s a positive sign that more people are getting enraged by those in power? I just feel pretty much oblivious to it. The whole Queen thing here in the U.K. just seems utterly insane. What planet am I on when I look at the news. The way they speak and act and what’s going on. The theatre of life!
There. I feel a touch less disturbed having written that all out.
Today I have a new client from Romania, and another afterwards, a ‘walk and talk’ in the park.
I have been busy with a new little side project, setting up shops to advertise this digital AI art. I do love starting things and am getting quite a buzz from letting that side of me out. Quite addictive. Beautiful pieces of art instantly. And all the technical after work of scaling up with another program, and setting up on various shop websites.
What I’m bringing is my personal artistic taste, that’s the only skill here. Artistic direction. The words you choose determine the picture that the AI produces. And I’m not seeing anything like what I’m producing. Is it sellable? No idea how my taste in wall art will be received. That’s part of the fun. I’ve disabled all other products in the shops, wall art only. I don’t want to be part of the ‘stuff’ out there, so no mugs, masks, shower curtains water bottles etc! Let’s see. So far in 2 or 3 days, no sales and a few likes.
The construction business, well we have another 4 weeks work, so time for something else to emerge still. Very little come back from clients still. That other one eventually did pay me. But no answer from 2 that have been designed and priced, and another I sent the 3 visualisations to and a request for a meeting about them. Let’s see what happens there….
Learning to Rest with it All 