Really really Free


Yesterday – was such a joy of a day. There was a therapy client first thing on Zoom. Every session she is making breakthroughs in understanding and in honesty. The tears of realisation come…she is making big changes in noticing how she reacts so not acting on it so much. It’s beautiful. It’s a joy to be part of. I feel honoured to be holding her through this and gently guiding.

And I continue to be curiously delighted by what I observe coming out of me. How perfectly timed it is, how the right words form, how they know what needs to be heard.

Off then to lay out plants at one project then to see the guys across town setting up the new project. All went well. I have 7 weeks to line the next one up. A big one is being drawn up by the cad technicians at the moment. Maybe that will be it to take us to Xmas. And then a whole new season begins and inrush of clients.

Got this one delightful happy client who tells us repeatedly she is delighted with the work, who owes nearly £5k for nearly 5 weeks now not paid? And just keeps saying that she will and sorry and then still doesn’t? what is my lesson here? To not grab, to let go? Yes, to not resist even when it apparently is something I don’t ‘like’ happening. Equanimity is an important lesson.

Regard every experience as if you had chosen it.

Anyway….I was overall feeling anxious all morning even while happily out and about. It’s pretty much my default. To be on a low level anxious alert with anything business related. Which can easily become higher level with a fear tempting thought.

Maybe I should practice what I preach I thought! And so what I did while driving along feeling all clenched up inside was I dropped into the feeling in my body.

I located that tight spot in my chest and I gave it space, imagined a big rim of space around it to occupy fully. That nearly immediately changed the way I felt. Maybe it went to more of a numbness first feeling, I can’t really explain, but it shifted into something else from pure anxiety.

I loved that so much I thought I’d strengthen that neural pathway with backing it up, so then put on Tsoknyi Rinpoche’s Dropping into Feelings 12 minute talk on YouTube. Played it in the car all the way across the city and all the way back, into the park and then continued to listen and do the exercise while walking in the park with it on my phone playing in my bag.

The anxiety released. Nearly completely fear free and back to feeling fully myself and free.

Really really free.

I then wondered in a state of love and joy through the trees along the river sitting here and there for ages. No angst, not bothered by thoughts. No rush. No need to be anywhere else.

Not many thoughts came and if they did, because I was anchored in my core, I just didn’t pick up. Like a phone ringing and not answering.

I stayed outside wandering in the balmy sun for almost 2 hours. I felt connected to everything, completely relaxed. Noticing a lot as I was fully present. Sat so comfortably in my tree over the river for ages.

Then back here for some hours.

Again back looking at a screen.

Bored.

Roving around the internet, the mind looking for something anything to occupy it.

Always find some good teachings and deep sharings….but none of it I actually need. I know what to do. I have tools. No more required. It’s killing time. I stopped several times closed the iPad and stayed with just being. A return to the basic experience.

I just wanted to go back outside, so got in the car, did some food shopping and went back to do the same walk again along the river. I happened to bump into a guy I have a good connection with and we went together. And good chat. He’s deep. The dogs get on. We touch on truths and we experience the stunning miracle of the beauty of it all. We sit in a field for half an hour in the sun. We marvel and feel grateful and the energy is intense.

I hear myself talk a bit of shit. I hear myself complain. Being so fully centred has an intimacy and intensity….that makes talking crap seem more obviously crappy. But talk we do anyway, as if to dilute the intensity a little to a manageable level.

Right now, I’m writing here. And I’ve been trying to write this out for a couple of hours and business stuff has been demanding my attention, texts and phone calls and emails, skip uplifts, filling in a form, and machines and clients. And a call from a prospective therapy client for her distressed son, I said he has to call me.

Today I am waiting for an uplift then meet E for a walk.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s