Fearlessness Training

The kickback comes as a training exercise. Fearlessness is bathed in and then, anything fearful inside arises. The mere hint of fearlessness brings out any remaining fear to be addressed.

Mundane stuff ahead warning. After my delectable perfect day on Sunday, an unease arose strongly the next day. Yesterday. I was kind of aware of it happening. Noticed that life is going well and there was an inner contraction….

The fleeting thought passed by inside that if it’s not one thing it will be another…..to find a problem to be preoccupied and stressed about. how about that.

It started well with a fantastic session with a counselling client where we made some strong breakthroughs and consolidated previous breakthroughs.

Dealing with the client for the next job, quite a lot to arrange there this week. Then an email from a previous now somewhat hostile fussy client wanting some more work done arrived. I have a problem with that site I’m not sure how to solve.

So this presses trigger points for several reasons.

  • An unhappy client – I prefer everyone to be happy
  • Legal action being hinted at – don’t want that
  • A problem I don’t know the answer to – so don’t know what to do next – that is uncomfortable and unfamiliar

Had a walk with the dog by the river through the woods. A little bit there but not fully fully submerged. Preoccupied, and there was a man there too wondering around, and I needed to pee. I did find a very large beautiful feather, a buzzard or an owl. Went for a swim after, that was fine and the jacuzzi was excellent. The sore back is benefitting from it.

Saw the men on site and briefed them about the next project. Their job is looking all fine except had to correct what one of them was doing very badly, like very badly. Was annoyed he was allowed to by the Foreman. I like the guy a lot, but we all know he’s just not good at building things and should be overseen every step of the way. So it will have to be done again.

Also the young and bit unstable one said self love was incompatible with his mysticism path which states he should be tough on himself. I’d given him a book on self compassion after he asked for guidance. Oh well. Think that’s my part played with him. I see that a lot, the resistance to self compassion, in me and in clients.

My mum visited in the afternoon for an hour, that was pleasant. had a bit of interaction with my son and with R, who sent me something on Trump. He’s a fan. Weird for a guy with a PhD in Psychology.

I actually consciously bit two nails down in the evening, aware I was doing it, and somehow wanting the mild pain of it. No blood, not agony, but mild discomfort. I’ll dig into that soon. Asleep by 10pm. Awoke twice, once in beautiful romance with DY and the second time with MH, who suggested we go to gather edible mushrooms then kissed me so lovingly. Wow. Both those dreams. So vivid. Am I getting ready for another bout of romance here after nearly 10 years! I’m talking to a couple of guys on match. Nothing too exciting so far.

Also been taking in some info about what’s going on in the world out there. Hard to feel okay with all of that. Lot of non covid deaths starting to be reported by the office of national statistics here, over 1000 a day….and a couple of doctors are starting to ask questions about the lack of attention to it and insist it’s investigated. Probably due to lockdown late diagnosis? I hope it’s not worse news than that. If these new vaccines are damaging people, then a lot of people are in trouble. Awful lot of healthy young people dropping dead here from heart attacks.

Today I have a counselling client shortly, then another at 6pm. A meeting with an old friend DC in the park and maybe with my friend E, if he wants to come. And I suppose some stuff to arrange for next week’s new job will take place. Meantime I’m slightly suffering, feeling uneasy in my body. No wonder with the thoughts above I suppose.

So. Drop out of the head and into the body. And notice. Sensations? Tight bra strap. Loosen that. What else. Tension in the throat. Fear.

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