Learning and Remembering

Just read one blog post here from December 2017 and wow, it was sad to read. The depths of struggles with low self worth, undeserving of success and depression and loneliness and a big resistance to being kind to myself. omg. But I soldiered on and I’m still here wiser and stronger.

Old habits still arise often, and I’m still learning the same lessons over and over, that it’s safe to relax and be happy, to be kind to myself, to use the tools I know work if practiced consistently.

To use the senses to be present, to notice the inner thoughts are not me. To breathe from low down in the body, exercise, be in nature, write gratitude lists.

To allow the happiness when it arises. I’ve had a few happy encounters recently with people and really noticed how good they feel. Laughing out loud sessions with R, and S and J last night and with Ros the other day. Savouring the happy when it comes communicates to the nervous system that it’s safe to relax that much.

At the moment my mind is desperate to go into worry mode about business and money and the winter ahead and file bills. I’m resisting so far. noticing and dropping. No elaboration into a story.

Yesterday- a walk to the allotment. Felt alone, fear was present and it does that. It separates us.

And another visit later and took a neighbour who can’t walk very well. It was fine, some amount of anger in her though which takes me by surprise at times as she is so sweet. Just as she had expressed some, a guy started bellowing pure fury nearby, on the phone. But it was heavy duty violence cracking open the air. Then he noticed us and smiled sweetly and walked on. Think it was a pretty direct example of how what’s inside gets dynamically displayed ‘outside’. Neighbour’s toxic anger, then him shouting right next to us.

And what about me taking anger prone neighbour. My own part. I knew she was like that and don’t like it at all. I make allowances though, very very horrible childhood. And my anger. Which I’ve been noticing recently and discussing here, like my inner parking policeman. And getting angry about clients not paying me. Still,owed £5000 and £1000 and no answer at all to my texts/emails. Sigh.

Today- I have one client on zoom (who hasn’t paid me for 3 weeks despite invoices!) and then a walk and talk client in the park. Pic taken last autumn. We were sitting on one of those benches there last night.

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