I just sent the price over to the (potential) next client. The job that is due to start in a week! Yes I’m cutting it a bit tight. If they say no…..oh let’s just deal with that if it happens. Contract and relax and contract and relax….learning it is safe to relax completely. Even while contracting reflexively.
The contraction of the act of spiritual seeking I have just been reading about. I got it. Anything other than completely relaxing back into our true nature, which is already present, is a move away from it, or an attempt to. We can never move away from it. The irony of it being here all along after all that seeking….It’s a Ken Wilber essay, pretty good.
It seems we will do almost anything but completely love and accept ourselves as an inseparate part of the whole. As completely worthy of that. How could we not be equally a part of magnificent emergence and display of the divine.
Yesterday was another beautiful swim in the morning, then a long walk with my friend P and lunch. And then back here and pay the men, deal with the accountant. I get so tired in the afternoons that I lie down a lot on the sofa, sore back still too. Endless cups of tea. Some snacks. Drift off for an hour.
Awoke early this morning after having the most beautiful dream of my old friend M. He was so wise and benign and loving in the dream. It was such a delight. I was in the presence of a highly enlightened being. The real him. So much so that I noticed a very slight contraction as he beckoned me to join him, not sure if I could relax into being that myself and trust it. I didn’t want to leave but I awoke, so happy. I always knew that’s who is his, what he is like. Right now he is wry afraid and busy trying to wake us all up in an insistent and pretty aggressive way, which is not okay for me to be around. I’m waking up in my own way.
Lovely chat with old friends J last night, the friend I grew up next door to and have undervalued and who has turned out to be wiser than us all in many ways. And I think about N. Inside I’m a little repelled by being around the criticism, and so much small talk. I don’t want him to feel rejected but that energy is working at the moment for me. Love the deep open bits. Much love to him though, he is a valued old friend. Haha he just sent me a compliment then a criticism of a piece I wrote on FB.
So if I’m experiencing it, I am it. And I have been noticing and talking about this ‘inner policeman’ in my head that criticises others. The way they park, those who let their dogs bark at the cafe. Those that drop litter. I’m onto you, inner policeman, your days are numbered!
I don’t know what’s going on here. I’m in unknown territory. I just know it feels right. I keep looking at houses in the country, I don’t know why. It’s perfect here. Maybe its an extension of the resistance to relaxing into the perfection of the moment as it is. Hope it’s not my wise intuition saying get out the city while you can! It’s seeming quite crazy out there.
I just don’t know. Some things I’m just being spontaneous and going along with. Joining the gym this week and starting swimming for example. And stopping using dairy products, now on soya and oat milk. It just feels right. Not even fully vegetarian.
How happy can I allow myself to expand into, how amazing will I admit to being. How successful in every way do I deem myself deserving of?
Today is wide open, I will have a wonder in the woods and I don’t know what else. Read, and listen to interesting material probably. I still don’t feel motivated to do much at all. Next to nothing in fact, just the necessary.