Feeling a bit high right now, mildly sparkly as if I’d taken some drug though I haven’t. No idea why. Maybe it’s the close relationship between fear and excitement that’s being experienced.
It’s so interesting . One day I’m gripped by fear the next I’m not. I wonder if all the reciting of the Gayatri I have been doing is responsible, like a magical banishing incantation!
How happy will we allow ourselves to be?
There’s been a lot of warning-of-danger-ahead type thoughts occupying my brain this morning trying to worry me. And oddly I’m feeling completely okay with that, as in fine. No resistance, just agreeing with the thoughts. “Oh yes that’s awful and it’s indeed possible” I respond with.
Fear isn’t gripping today, somehow sliding off as I lean back inside while feeling it swirl away inside and do its thing. There is a part untouched by all these outer events. The unified field of being.
I suppose it’s clear how if it’s not one thing it’s another. The mind likes to look for things to fear. So I sorted out the fear of no work for the men by getting a job. And the mind is right onto the next thing, a client who has escalated his anger and sent a threatening legal action email last night. Been there, done that.
About to get up. The dog is waiting for me to sing the ‘A-Team’ tune out loud which is the getting up signal. I sing it and rushes in with joy and we greet each other lovingly.
Two walks yesterday, one wood in the morning and a 8pm visit for a walk around the big house, was beautiful. Made the dog happy too.
The afternoon brought the relearning of an old old lesson. To qualify leads before going across town for one and going to an evening meeting with another, and spending an hour before asking for their budget. Though I did love the meeting of new people so not really pointless at all. They were all lovely people to chat with.
I only went without qualifying their suitability because I was afraid of not having work. Fear is a poor advisor….
I’m doing a little shadow work again, on the inner Judge Judy character I have inside who gets annoyed if people don’t park properly. Or if they turn up late. Or if they drop litter. Or do something else that Judge Judy has decided they ‘shouldn’t’ be doing. A character who is inclined to police the behaviour of others. So I’m just noticing and noticing. No condemnation to add to that judgement soup, just simply noticing.
I haven’t seen my friend N since he sent that humorous and bit annoyed email. I guess between his anger fits, regular criticism of me, general air of complaint and painful superficial chat, that’s okay. There’s a time and a rhythm to friendships. Maybe we see each other less often for decent chat, and a more mindful interaction. Some difficulties arise with having friendships with people from very very traumatised backgrounds I’ve noticed. They find it harder to drop the defences and the deficiency story. And also the wisdom is deeper and harder won than the rest too.
If only they knew how magnificent they are and sat in it and owned it
If only I owned how magnificent I am.
Later – I just had a delightful superb amazing first swim at the new gym. What an absolute joy to exercise all those neglected unused muscles. And to feel the flow of the water again. To be around people I liked that too. The way this exercise relaxes the nervous system. I’m addicted on day 1. Amazing.
In a while a meeting with my friend R and then a massage. Plus a finalisation and sending of the costing for this next job, which I feel mostly confident about. I’ve already done it, just need to check it over.
Learning to Rest with it All 