Back out of It

As of yesterday, another project is more or less arranged for the men to move onto. I bounce out of the angst into relief. A good budget and nice clients.

Just as I’d faced the worst fears and started accepting any outcome the universe would send, it all changes. The Force is playing with me, getting me to examine and face fears and accept them, then steps in and supports the situation.

Actually it’s me. I seem to be playing a cat and mouse game with myself, taking myself to the brink…having the fears come up fully to face, so I can jump off the edge and trust fully.

Accept every event as if you chose it. Because you did.

How many times have I had this lesson already! I know the lesson is accept and trust no matter what appears to be happening. At some point I lose my nerve and give into worry and fear. The situation resolves and I see the pointlessness of all those hours spent worrying.

“And I love and accept myself completely”……to that little inner critic tempted to call me an idiot 😂

So it’s another rainy one, temperatures dropping and summer is on its way. I’ve got cosyness in mind here, so candles and incense lit, a warm wrap around the body, a little arrangement of bowls of fruit and nut.

How can we look after ourselves in this moment? What can I do to make this moment a nurturing one?

Yesterday I had two nature walks, the dog and I benefitted from the bonus of being out there longer. I got an extra boost of energy on arranging the new project. It was a good meeting. They loved my design and understood my thinking which aligned with theirs. And they fully trust me and us as a company. Perfect scenario.

Had quite a stilted meeting with the therapy client I wrote about here last week in detail. With taking responsibility for her situation came the resistance to that from her ego. And her ego was right up. I could see it and sense it. She was closed. It was hard to get past the defences. I managed though with much talk of self kindness and compassion. And the exercise I do with people to help set their intention. Hand on chest and say ‘May I be safe, may I be well, may I be happy, may I be at ease”. Then had a few little tears and she softened a little.

It’s a tough one, taking full responsibility when you’ve been used to happily (actually very unhappily) occupying the position of ‘I’m the victim here’. Nope you’re not. You are an adult and full participant and creator.

What you see is what you are, so…..Speaking to myself here too. My relentless business complaining is a whole bunch of ‘woe is me’. Victim. Poor me. Blaming the government, the clients, the men…even my parents and upbringing….anyone or anything. “They should, they shouldn’t…” We seem to be desperate to occupy the victim position. It appears we would rather do nearly anything but but step into our power.

Self compassion is very different from feeling sorry for yourself. It involves doing something to relieve the suffering, actively taking responsibility, which is kind and mature. Being in your power even as you are suffering. “This is a moment of suffering and I love and accept myself” is a different energy from I’m the victim here.

Have stopped drinking milk the last week, and replaced it with soya milk. Moving away from being part of the milk industry. I saw a video of a new calf being taken from its mother so we can have the mother’s milk. And the distress in the mother, that was hard to see. Life is nudging me along in particular directions.

Some dahlias in the park yesterday, so beautiful.