Angst


Back ‘in it’ again. Not exactly a ‘dark night of the soul’ level but anxious a lot. I wasn’t able to write the last couple of days. I’ve been feeling pretty lost so I’ve been seeking refuge in submerging in the deepest teachings and experiencing nature and contemplating. There’s an irony as that itself evokes even more fear from the ego who doesn’t want to trust and surrender and give up its domain. It wants to bolster itself and survive, not dissolve or be ignored.

I have now got to a point where I can’t take in any more. I’ve been cramming much information in, clinging to the teachings and teachers for dear life at times, and praying a lot. The Gayatri.

I’m remembering now to be extra kind to myself as the inner critic is pounding me hard. I know that thoughts are not to be believed and yet I’m reacting as if they are true. And the inner critic is giving me a constant commentary of how stupid that is.

“You’ve been here so many times before and you fall for these catastrophising thoughts still! What a fool!”.

And I have been believing them. My whole physiology is on high alert. Another 2 weeks then no work for the men. So the business collapse thoughts are strong. Much ambiguity around it too. Do I want to be free from this business? Yes. Do I want the men and my source of income cut off suddenly. No. Do I love any of it. Yes. So definitely sending the universe mixed massages. This brain doesn’t seem to work for doing it, and the body doesn’t obey the brain. I wish I had reassuring reminders around all the time that this is normal for this path of surrender.

Practicing what I’m teaching people, kindness, a little self hug, a hand on the heart, a softening. I wish I could just get over this and stop believing these scary thoughts of doom. See them for what they are, a reactivity to silence and peace and trusting. I’ve read this is the most difficult part of the path, the pingponging between relaxing completely and feeling home and terror. It’s been going on for many years now too!

The actual truth turned out to be far more ground shaking than expected. There’s no me as I thought of a me previously. There’s no awakening going to happen to a ‘me’. The awakening is waking up from the very idea of a ‘me’. What a horror story for the ego. I know I’ve said this before many times…. it’s taking a while for the nervous system to accommodate.

I feel very very very alone with all of this. Almost nobody to speak to about it. Marc Leavitt was great yesterday, he knows and can see where I’m at. And his advice is spot on. Go into the fear, don’t resist it. Have a bring it on attitude. Decide and have courage.

I love my mornings sitting here. One of the best times of the day.

Love nature and being in nature

Love doing counselling

Love friendly interactions with the men

Love making places beautiful

Love deep mutual communicating and understanding

Love superficial friendly chit chat with strangers

Love interacting with the dog

Love listening to talks that remind me of the truth

Love being kind to myself and to others

Love capturing the beauty in photographs

Love the beauty of old stone buildings

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