Here I go again working things out with my head when I don’t really have to. Slight unease as a thought appeared about not having work for all the men and the uncertainty of what that might look like. That got the mind working away trying to ‘solve’ the ‘problem’. It’s not just a thought. It’s a fact. The unsustainability of paying them for non profit making work like the 2 working at my allotment this last week and 2 being off on paternity leave on full pay is apparent. And giving them all 2 more extra paid annual leave days this week too! Yet it all seems right. In fact it all seems perfect.
Another has already been off for some weeks and has money enough of his own. Another due to start back this week but I don’t need him on site so what to do…..Well I just texted offering him half a week pay for staying off. See what he says.
Sometimes in my wish life it would be so nice to just have someone here beside me to talk this sort of thing through. I get decision fatigue till I remember and trust that the ground has been prepared and all I have to do is walk onto it. I have made some progress with new designs the last couple of days. Slow and unmotivated though. You’d think that with the fire of a collapsing business at my back I’d be motivated but nope.
I also notice a sense of discouragement after the last 2 projects that I worked on so hard to get right for the clients..the whole effort of arranging of the survey, getting a print of that delivered, the design process, the consultations, and horrid stressful costing process – well they have been delayed. Or even cancelled for all I know. Maybe polite way to say no for the upper middle class. And I haven’t been paid for either design.
The money in the bank is dwindling now. I have one job that will only bring in £15k for 3 weeks work. Previous client still owes £5k so that’s good, it’s something to keep going with. I have earned less than my foreman for the last 2 of the last 3 years and now therapy is substantially supplementing my income. Is this the slow business disintegration happening, the graceful bowing out? I’m being over dramatic perhaps. How responsible am I for these men. What I I get project go-aheads….and they have found other jobs because I can’t pay them.
Is this just the weird messy process of what happens when you go through a deepening awakening while being an employer and trying to navigate the business world…..and perhaps also a woman at the end of her tether with it all, bored, discouraged, exhausted?
I don’t know. I’ve been pretty happy though. Feeling relaxed and at ease. Sinking more deeply into realisations. Had a beautiful video chat with my Danish friend J yesterday. Life goes on despite this rumbling threatening crisis. I’m not actually feeling threatened, it’s just more like a puzzle to be solved. A challenge. I feel good!
I have a therapy client shortly then another at 11 in the park. Enjoyable rewarding activities I look forward to. So will shortly be launching into activity during which I mostly completely forget myself and my problems.
Am I stressed confused unhappy anxious worried sad annoyed, nope.
I feel open clear lucid safe present and well. My resting heart rate is around 53. Practically an athlete 😂. No, but it’s pretty good for a 57 year old. I am so relaxed despite the threat of the sky falling in, it’s interesting to observe.
Learning to Rest with it All 