The last couple of days the subject of lying has come up.
I talked to Marc L on Saturday and he was calling himself the biggest liar, and we were laughing at the honesty of it.
After that I had the courage to do the same. And I saw how big a liar I am too and said it out loud to someone. I love the release of being able to say that. I was so attached to the idea of ‘being an honest person’, I could not admit easily that I tell lies.
It’s one of my core values, being truthful! But I lie in many circumstances, like when I don’t want to offend, or when I want someone to like me, or to myself when I don’t want to see things. I see how my attachment to idealism, optimism and positivity leads me to refuse to see the truth if it doesn’t fit.
Inside myself privately and outside I try and control and contort the ‘what is’ into how I want it to be.
Awoke with a fiery feeling inside, and warm glow on the skin in the night. I wondered if covid was visiting me. I suspect rather it may be energetic changes taking place as deeper and deeper space is being contacted. Listening to Tsoknyi Rinpoche on feelings. I am submerging myself in the highest teachings most of each day.
My nails and skin around them are quite short and picked at, I notice. Going into deeply fearful contraction periods and then back into deeply relaxing, and back to contraction again, in and out. As I learn it’s safe to let go. Expanding in love out, and scuttling back into tightness with fear.
Lot of time alone yesterday in nature after my friend P left, which was needed. In the trees by water, falling leaves, gusts of wind, crow sounds, cow watching. I love to just be with how they are being. So unconcerned and relaxed and harmonious.
I am so fed up with the endless stream of chit chat going on in my head. Being out there in nature enables me to drop thoughts – just by being there fully for simple life instead of endless compulsive thinking ahead. Which doesn’t feel kind at all, all that thinking. The fearful imaginings of things going wrong and me suffering as a result. To move away little by little from being on high alert. And relax a bit more, and a bit more and a bit more.
Dream. I was awakened early by a vivid beautiful dream of being so close with M. We were staying somewhere beautiful and were readying for bed and we knew full communion together was coming. I could feel that blissful communion as if it were already happening. The energy was so intense and we were happy and laughing and serious too. He was relaxed in it. Sane and balanced. Like I’d always wished and hoped for him to be. How he really is underneath, confident, no sabotage. We could just simply function together in trust.
I was always lying to myself about him and the potential of our relationship and not seeing reality. Perhaps that’s what the learning was. I was seeing what I wanted to see.
I’m up at the kitchen table now. Noticed the thoughts as I walked from the bedroom through here. This is how it went.
Scary thought arrives saying,
“How terrifying life is, isn’t it?!”
“Oh that one again. Is it all so terrifying? Not sure about that. It’s just life happening, and carrying on doing what it does”.
Scary thought –
“But but all that responsibility. So much happening today you are in charge of. The end of a project the start of another one and right when you might be needed, you have a new therapy client”.
“Hmmm I’m pretty sure the day is just going to carry on like it always does, stuff happening. So what if I’m not available. I don’t care. I’ll go and visit them this afternoon, they can sort the hiccups out.”
Scary thought –
“But what if they make mistakes, expensive ones. And what if either client is not happy about something. That all lands at your feet.”
“Thanks for your alerts, I’m sure I will be just fine and we all will be too, bye.”
Scary thought –
“But but you only have 3 weeks work and no work for some of the guys and what will you do if….”
“Thanks, it will be fine. Whatever happens will be fine”.
Not exactly, but kind of like that. Constant suggestions that I could have a negative experience.
It’s an endless loop that is so boring. One day I will let go, I can feel it coming…..I just have to bore the fear to death. Literally. It withers through lack of attention. Poof, gone!
My interactions with Marc L are different this time round. Now he is putting a metaphorical arm round me saying, ‘see, you are here now, you never left, there never was anywhere to get to”. And I am adjusting to that.