Half Full/Half Empty

The half full perspective. It’s a beautiful sunny morning here. The men all have work and a job lined up for most of them for the next month, and I’m sure another will arrive in time. We have money in the bank and the bills are up to date. Another project I’ll line up as soon as possible.

A vision of the future. I’m mostly only doing therapy which I’m loving. I do a few designs a year too if I feel like it. I work around 3 hours a day, 15 hours a week. I feel happy and fulfilled and glad I’m doing something to help people and get to feel useful. I look back the business era and am glad I made the change.

I have a day free of any major immediate concerns, a dog walk and a coffee with my oldest friend. I’m eating delicious roasted seaweed and organic oats. The drawings I ordered have just arrived early. I just cleared the paperwork pile on this table to clear the decks and free the space. It’s all good. Living in total free fall all seems rather exciting and full of unexpected possibility.

The half empty perspective. My ego hates this uncertainty. If I identify with it I feel afraid and wonder how on Earth this week will unfold, as certainty about work has not emerged. We do have one small job lined up to start, but not enough for 7 men. Only have 4 men in this week though.

So the choreography looks perfectly fine for the very short term, though fears are bubbling away increasingly insistently wanting to erupt about next week, next month and the coming winter with nothing lined up with certainty if such a thing even exists these days.

I’m ping ponging between 2 worlds. The fear driven world that requires certainty and planning ahead. That is really a requirement in the business world and partly why I’m clashing with it so much. I’ve got away with using the Force and trusting the universe but I can’t keep saying that to the men!

There’s the other fearless world I’m increasingly surrendering to that requires simple trust that whatever is happening is right. Even if that means collapse of this business. Maybe that is ‘right’. Maybe that is what is happening in slow motion. Maybe not and that’s just a fear.

Dog waiting for me to get up this morning

What are the consequences of this business folding? Less security? Or will it be more? And more relaxation and joy can arise. Will I look back at this era and be so delighted it is now different.

I won’t have to live with the stress of all this keeping people employed, keeping clients happy, lining work up all the time….what a joy it may be not to have that in my life. To be free. Though I’d still have to have enough work for the mortgage and bills….

Other project we w]expected to start has delayed and wants more changes to the design. And another project, I don’t have a firm start date confirmed. There’s another large project on the drawing board though which I was going to get started with properly but the clients aren’t back till mid august. So one to do right away that I got last week as soon as I get the drawings this week.

So it’s all a bit uncertain. The job going ahead is only £20k which is 3 week’s work or 4 at an absolute stretch, a maintenance diet and better than nothing.

I’m thinking out loud. It’s hard doing this all the time with nobody to discuss these details with or help me work it out. And I like to think out loud. Instead the thoughts go round and round. I have never enjoyed running a business on my own. Though I’ve had to make friends with it, as it is what is happening.

I had a pretty good day yesterday in between bouts of business related angst.

My regular Sunday morning Zoom therapy client first thing, where we have just gone into spiritual philosophical discussion mode and I’m not sure about charging for that. It’s clear wee are both just enjoying chatting. Not quite friends but she is not in distress now and just wants to talk deep which I love. She hasn’t offered to pay for a few weeks and I haven’t sent an invoice. I’m not sure what to do.

The second client was a new one. Found me on Google which is interesting. We met for a walk and talk in the park and that was 4 miles and lasted nearly 2 hours. She is in distress, quite a lot of tears. And it’s partly waking up distress and pain. As it is actually with everyone.

The expansive consciousness inside us all, that we are, wants to experience its full potential. And then it comes across blocks. These take the for, usually of beliefs which we were given earlier in life, that now act as blocks. Recognising and breaking through these is my job and then offering tools and chumming people along while they put these tools into practise.

Those were quality hours with these 2 clients. I was completely myself, at ease, well, happy, fulfilled, present.

I lay down after that long walk and spent the afternoon resting. Then met my pal N over at the allotment garden which is pretty hard to be in with the damage they did to the space by removing the greenery. It’s pretty unappealing and exposed now. Not sure what to do about it if anything.

I did mention to N about his tendency to criticise which he took quite well. While it is a great exercise for my ego to watch any defence coming up, but as for fun, it’s not. And he actually proceeded to carry on here and there though caught himself a couple of times.

What else? Well I’ve been listening to some non-duality videos, which has been helpful. That sense of community in this tumultuous experience is a big help. I’m feeling very alone today.

Today I’m meeting S for a coffee. That’s all that’s planned and of course a dog walk and a visit to see the men.

May we be well

May we be happy

May we be safe

May we be at ease

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s