Another ordinary day with its guest star ⭐️ beauty ⭐️ present much of the time yesterday. Went to the park along the river through the woods, happy to be there and to be alive. Allowed myself to be there fully, at peace to be there. Inner restlessness and resistance not present, what joy.
Parts of the scene grabbed me and made me stop in my tracks literally…the way the wind showed the underside of the tree leaves, the way the long grass was swaying. Stop, slow down, it all whispered. This is where the magic happens….when I slow right down, and just be there completely for a few minutes. Yesterday I allowed that peace to be there and blended into the scenery. I felt unity.
Then we explored through the rushes and found a favourite spot beside the hawthorn tree at the trickling spring. A very very ordinary scene, a field in front of us and the sound of a buzzard high above.
Then some cake and lemonade at the cafe and an incoming call to come and work. Was there for an hour on site with the men sorting things out. It’s the final stages of this large project. Enjoyable chit chat with them, a really fun and friendly interaction. Today I meet one of the men and old client to see a previous project for snagging. And I will collect more materials on the way back.
I watched a non duality video by a woman called Suzanne and she mentioned during her process her body just would not obey and she lost interest in many things. People. Her art.
And it struck a chord. I have all these things I intend to do, and in the sensible work world, yet the body will not cooperate. It just says no. Yet this bill will get paid on time in the next few days. I suspect I will find my body doing it when I’m ‘allowed’ to. That’s how it seems….waiting for permission from ‘the Force’.
She also talked about the heartbreak of leaving the ‘person’ she was behind and becoming nobody. Letting go of the personal was not expected. She found it saddening.
I also thought waking up and enlightenment would happen to me, this ‘self’ I thought I was. This Susan personality. And that this Susan me would get to experience waking up or becoming enlightened. It would transform into some souped up wise version of Susan.
It dawned that this Susan self I thought was unenlightened doesn’t actually even exist and so can’t ever get enlightened. And if the little wave called Susan is just let go of completely, it would find itself dissolved completely in an ocean.
And that dissolving of that apparent separate self is what they call enlightenment! Except there’s nobody there to experience it anywayThat’s why Marc Leavitt calls it a suicide mission 😂.
‘We’ don’t exist as the separate selves, as the me I thought I was. So the blissful awakening doesn’t happen to a me, it is a sudden or gradual realisation and knowing there’s nobody home! No self who becomes magically transformed, improved and awakened. Nothing happens to a self as we think of it normally, as it’s not there. It never was.
Nothing happens in enlightenment. There’s nobody for anything to happen to. It’s a return to what was always there all along, the wave dissolves into the ocean to see that it was never separate in the first place. Back into nothing and everything and everybody. Love.
What an almighty headfuck for the personality and the ego who thought it was going to get first prize, only to find out it was a big booby prize and it’s worst nightmare. To find out that it itself is the substance of imagination. No elevated status that the ego secretly looked forward to. No self that can consider itself even more special and wise.
At the end of all this seeking to discover there was literally nothing to find. So called enlightenment was there all along. The rest was made up, and all that had to do was fall away. That falling away has its challenges for many of us though as we are pretty attached to some aspects of what we think is real.
Giving up everything to discover even more of everything.
So that’s where it’s at this Tuesday morning, contemplative! Anxiety is hovering around, I notice it in my throat. And that’s just okay, hello there little constricted feeling.
‘What are you afraid of?’
‘Oh just driving quite far and meeting those old clients, they might have other complaints and they are already stretching our goodwill. I might have to say no, and I prefer being agreeable. And they still owe £2k.’
‘ I think we will survive do you agree?’
‘Yes’.
I don’t normally answer these fears but it’s okay to at times. Plus I’m sensing a gearing up to arrange these next jobs. And which men are going where if anywhere. Nothing is certain. And often the last minute shows how to move next. So to resist too much advance planning.
Learning to Rest with it All 