Sitting back inside

Been practicing and practicing through the night whenever I surface and this morning when I awoke and dropped off and awoke over some hours.

The morning is a potent time for fearful thoughts to take hold normally. Almost all the thoughts are about future possible dangers and the adversity awaiting me, and often I can arise out of bed in an anxious and agitated state.

But learning to relax can be so EDGY!

It can feel actually dangerous to relax. This is the programming we have almost all had. It is also more than conditioning – it’s biological. We evolved to be vigilant for tigers behind bushes. Compassion for us in our predicament, imagining tigers behind bushes where there are none.

This is how the conditioning goes –

If I relax I might miss the danger that lies ahead so I better listen to all the fearful thoughts and so be better prepared for disaster.

So it is intense… sit back inside and let the thoughts and feelings arise and subside. Without getting tangled up in any of it. Without believing any of those thoughts that are so tedious in their endless suggestions of disasters and danger ahead.

When I feel more centred in the stability of inner spaciousness these are opportunities to notice and let go of potentially seductive thoughts riding on their little chariots of fear, holding their spears and ready to jab away. I like that visual.

And if they get here to my conscious awareness and they encounter no resistance, then there is no substance for them to stick a fear spear into. Just air, nothingness. They get bored and leave.

Just relax. Relax, relax with it all. Whatever arises, allow. It passes. Another arising, allow, it dissolves.

I’ve been listening to Padmasambhava from around the 8th Century read by the wonderful nun Samaneri Jayasara. I keep it on all night.

Having this sort of material on in the background acts as a support. Little scared thoughts arise and I remember “HANDS OFF!” And let them go on their way. They dissolve if I don’t get caught up in their contents. I sometimes visualise actually holding my hands up in a letting go posture.

“Don’t invite what hasn’t occurred”. Chokgyur Lingpa. I now have this one on as I sit at the table here writing.

Dream Help from a dream last night again. I watched myself in the dream have firm opinions on how someone ‘should’ have done something but didn’t do it the way I thought it should be done. I was annoyed.

It showed me a trigger. That belief of how others should do things. The belief in how I should do things. These indications are so helpful. It shows where I have stored contracted knots.

Pondering on that man I had a date with. Not sure. I’m still a little tiny bit open, to another meeting anyway. Not bothered. Feel like a bit of a nun these days.

It’s getting close to the men having no work! 2 weeks max. And by the end of this week they will be asking me what are we doing next? And maybe I say, there’s no work right now, stay off for a while till something arrives. I have the 3d visuals now to show one client I’m hopeful we will start next. I just have to price it and meet them.

And I’m not feeling that afraid right now. It’s odd. No panicking. Some part is alarmed, I notice it….inner urgency. A bit that wants to collapse into a panic. Maybe I’m too tired to get aroused that much now. Maybe I know deep down it will all be okay. Maybe I don’t care and I enjoy the edginess of living dangerously. Maybe sabotaging the set up. No idea.

I find myself repotting some houseplants.

P.S. just after posting this I got a text from a client wanting a meeting, one of the jobs I priced. Not a ‘no’. So that looks positive.

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