Relaxed and Scared


It was a beautiful weekend and a wonderful experience of the cows coming close yesterday. Normally I don’t go near them but I was with N and they came to us and we were cornered against the river. Which we could always jump into if it felt necessary.

I’m feeling relaxed with being scared right now and often recently. It’s a confusing seemingly contradictory state.

The men are off today and tomorrow due to the heat and I relax a little more than usual. This job is coming to an end and I have no work lined up. I have some work to do, a couple of prices to hand in which I’ve been putting off but now need to do – or so I keep trying to bully myself with this line!

Why have I not done it yet? Why did I spend all weekend relaxing instead of lining the work up? Isn’t it strange. If I am this anxious about not having work and can take action and do something about it, why haven’t I yet? I really don’t know. Maybe I just know it will be okay. I have one cad technician drawing up one small job I designed last week. Maybe that’s why. Maybe I’m sabotaging the business! Creating a situation where the fear gets to justify its existence. I have more money in the business than I’ve ever had right now. Maybe that’s bred some complacency. Since I know I can just pay the guys to be off. And I relax more when they are off.

The anxiety around this is the cause I think of me putting it off. What is this anxiety about?

  • I’m not good with maths or numbers. Never have been since a kid,
  • Low confidence for this task. Stressful. I am doing something I know I’m not good at naturally.
  • This part of the job is very important-as in it determines the success or failure of the business. One badly priced job could put us out of business. So a high risk.
  • If I underprice it then months of stress can result as I have to pay it off
  • I can overprice it and lose the job.

Work will be lined up as it usually is, or it isn’t. Either way I’ll be fine, we all will be.

This morning I have been watching a documentary about life in a remote Tibetan Village. Such simplicity, with no electricity, or WiFi or computers. Full organic life and much prayer. Enjoyed being there in my imagination for a while.

I’ll be out and about by the river soon keeping cool. It is going up to 29 degrees later. Not good for the dog or me! And probably tidy the house today, as I have a guy coming tomorrow to value the apartment. Came to me to arrange that so I did it. Not in a hurry to move though or anything though I have a notion for one of the apartments with lifts right inside the park which would be better for the dog. 2 more years here at most I think for that reason alone.

I’ve been deep in prayer and contemplation these last days quietly. The Gayatri is never far away, and I’ve been listening to Longchenpa going to sleep and when I wake up. Stillness ascending or is it descending, amid tumult.

I’m staying away from the world situation most of the time. It’s such a test going to read the news. This whole Covid 19 situation is going on and there are many changes and strange responses happening as a result. it seems we will all get it, and that means me too if that’s the case. Though think I had it earlier this year. I’m taking the zinc, vitamin d and c, and no vaccine. I just don’t trust that we have been told enough to make an informed choice.

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