I ping pong between dread and anxiety and trust and go with the flow and this blog is the drama of this story of these very different states and the gradual movement into flow and trusting. And as I move closer into relaxing, the fear also increases! What a ride.
I’m feeling, relaxed, at ease, refreshed and contended even and yet the exact circumstances that I was reacting to with high stress, fear and worry the last few days are exactly the same. Nothing has changed and yet I feel well.
What have I done? I have been staying present. Have been reciting the Gayatri Mantra over and over inside and out loud if my thoughts become too loud and hard to let go of. Saying a prayer or mantra gives the head something to do while the senses can take us back into the present. And steady conscious breathing too, from low low down, below the naval even.
And having calmed down and with a bit of necessary action at my back I feel more motivated to do the work which I’m now enjoying. Have a design to show a client this afternoon I’m working on just now.
It’s not what happens in life often, it’s how we respond to it that determines our level of well-being. I’m shown this over and over.
I’m also taking action to rectify the work situation as I always do, and 2 possibilities exist which I’m progressing. I’ve also gone through the possible outcomes a bit in my head, and see that none of us will die from it. 3 guys will be off for 2 weeks shortly anyway and one for one week. Let it all pause for a bit if necessary. Let the others guys get an extra week’s holiday. Let some be laid off if it comes to it. Let the whole business pause for a bit, if that’s even possible. I guess it would be hard to reassemble if they get other jobs…
I’m back in a trust field again. I’m okay with letting life and events unfold as they will. And it feels way less stressful. I can’t control life and the exercise is to allow events and sooth the reactiveness into nearly nothing. That’s the lesson.
I spent over 4 hours on video chat with my dear old friend J who I was in South Africa with all those years ago. We both had serious ptsd from the trauma of what happened to both of us – so many experiences….and from both being married to a psychopath, the same one. Which I brought back here.
The conversation was both triggering and also healing and supportive. Bits of the story I’d blocked out she remembers and I can fill in some other bits with some alternative psychological evaluations of him from having a longer association.
After that I needed to go back out and so I completed my very rough little allotment pond. It was good to get stuck into some physical work. My back hurts now though! Not used to lifting big stones and digging. it now need plants and ferns all around it to make it pretty and the sides cemented in.