Back Here

My 3 months of this long job is drawing to a close. It has been a joy not to have to think about much especially what the men will do next. I have felt the relief from the anxiety of having to find and keep 7 men in work. I just so done with this. I’ve made an appointment to get a business mentor so I can discuss how to sell it, an exit strategy of some kind.

Next job has been delayed till the end of summer so now a gap to be filled and, and nothing is ready, and agreed, so no work lined up for the men in 2 weeks or less. And I’m once again for the 100,000th time, worried about how that will look like. One thought is to give them a week off, maybe even paid, an extra 5 days holiday. The money is there.

A hefty beast blocking my usual path yesterday.

With the amount of enquiries coming in these last months I could have work lined up for a year or longer if I wanted to, if I had been willing to do the work, to answer the phone even. But I just didn’t want to so now dealing with the consequences. A boss that is slacking. My bad. It’s just what’s happening. T said I should stop wasting my time on all this inner enquiry stuff and get to work haha 😂. I’ve had a massive opportunity to have a highly lucrative successful business and no energy or motivation or help to do it better. A partner would have been great. Which was my husband back in the early 2000s when I started this, before he proved to be untrustworthy.

I now have to do to make something happen. It’s always down to me to keep this going without any support around me. And that’s been okay when I’ve felt motivated but I just haven’t.

I’m meeting an architect in 2 hours that wants us to complete a job they had to sack the team on it was being done so badly.

I’m like a slug right now with work, almost feel repulsed and repelled by it. I want it all to go away and have some peace and nothing I HAVE to do. That’s a bit strong. I just feel alone and directionless.

I have been moving with highly personally motivated and enthused family and friends on that holiday, who care about their security and futures financially.

Riverside flowers

It’s like I’m in a little boat on my own out to sea and no idea about my future as I nearly never think about it. I found myself wishing I were more ambitious and driven, more needy of material security but I just am not. I’m likely to do something radical though if I don’t make some changes soon. I still have to leap fully it seems to full trust.

I know I’m moaning and being negative here and I feel guilt for that though cannot deny it either. I’m aware that yesterday I did a lot of work then enjoyed basking back in my beloved park, some cake and lemonade in the sunshine and warmth. The way it can be, do work then enjoy free time.

Last night and this morning I listened to the second half of this which is very penetrating indeed by James Low on non duality from a Dzogchen perspective.

Aware I’m the fire of the old and the emerging new, and it is said to be the most painful bit. Knowing the old doesn’t work any more and not yet fully over the cliff of surrendering.

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