A beautiful drive through the fairyland hills and woods And a happy day yesterday at uncle C’s wedding, weather was perfect too, and so many family members gathered together for the first time in many years.

Going along with the ritual of it all too, strange human protocols for these events that I watch people go through that make me feel as if I’m a visiting extraterrestrial. And lot of just waiting around, banal conversations for extended periods….but the point was connection so all that didn’t matter so much. I escaped for a while, took the Canadian cousins and my son T on an adventure to see some Victorian water works which always delight.

One bit of I suppose bad news, the next client has delayed the start of their project due to covid and also building works. I expected a seamless transition to that project. And now I have the challenge of finding the next project for the men with only 2 weeks to go. Stressful and uncertain.

I have this lingering malaise about business that may go away, or maybe I’m just finished with it and need to just go into doing counselling more full time. I just feel like being out in nature, meeting the odd friend. And yet there’s a sensible hat that says I need to earn a living and the business while stressful is not exactly time consuming.

This whole having 7 employees accountants suppliers tax…today is wages day. Im not exactly making exciting money, it’s pay the bills money for all the responsibility, the fabulous reputation and decades of experience. I’d love to be rewarded more for all that blood sweat tears and my and the teams talent! It’s not been woopee at all. It’s been a flop inside. Not the success I expected. And I know why, I’ve got my talents but I’m lacking a few qualities that businesses need to be successful.

In one sense I’m done with it and would like to walk away from it all and do something else. And not be so tied into it. And in another way I enjoy it. All the little and small tasks are very grounding, sending the invoices to the accountant, visiting the guys, seeing the beauty emerging from the projects, getting paid. Yes I know, contradictory moaning again. But it’s my main income.

Yet if I didn’t have this constant tie round my neck, the sense that I ‘should’ be doing something business related I would be free for other things to emerge. Some creativity of a different kind that needs complete space to emerge from within. Without having to think about employees and clients and all that.

Life a tipsy turvy right now. With T here, and tomorrow we all go away to the Lake District for 3 days. This morning I had a 2 hour meeting and walk with my friend P. It was lovely though neither of us feeling very cheerful. Then I get a call that some delivery truck driver has taken out a 100 year old stone wall at one of the neighbours. Urgh. Not my responsibility but just adds to that sense I have all the time that something can go wrong.

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