Wednesday Diary

After a bumpy start yesterday, seeing a therapy client and feeling useful from that then being outside in nature by the river mostly washed out any remaining malcontentedness. A text from a friend J – I’d forgotten I had a loose arrangement to meet and we had lunch, then we went back out to the river and woods and bathed in the sunshine.

He is an interesting study this friend. I’ve known him since a child and he is by far the happiest most good natured person I know. And more recently I have been looking more closely at his other qualities of complete trust in life to look after him, non attachment to pretty much everything, material and experiences…and a sense of fun and play always present.

This dear friend, who many pity or look down on, (including me at times in the past) as he has no social status or standing in the world and that is how many judge others sadly, is actually perhaps the most evolved and free of us all.

He just smiles all the time at nearly everything and laughs often. As I have wakened up more, I recognise the qualities re-emerging from me that I’ve always seen in him. We had such fun analysing him from a Jungian archetype perspective after he left, Tobie and I ….The Divine Fool perhaps. Only appearing a fool though, but deeply connected to the wisdom of the divine. Yes he gets lost, does not hold down a 9-5 job….is as trusting as a child. I remember having to take him almost by the hand in Morocco through the predatory sellers….

What a wonder life is with its unexpectedness. Light on the Path says that the power the student shall seek shall be the type that make him appear as nothing in the eyes of the world.

So outside for 5 hours. This is my life now when the weather allows, and sometimes it’s only one hour outside when raining. Which it often here in the west of Scotland. I notice how much happier I am outdoors. It seems unnatural to spend most days within 4 walls and definitely spending the time looking at a screen as much as I have done these last years.

It’s wonderful having my son T here. Day 4 and so many great deep wide ranging conversations have been enjoyed. Having a close person living here has been lovely.

Today I have some enormous plants arriving on site which I will go and decide their right positions. it is still a mystery to me how this business keeps going. With me barely doing anything one day to the next. That old fear still that it will crash and burn and I’m a slacker. Rather than the truth which is I do what is needed when it’s needed and everything turns out just fine.

I’m doing well on progressing to exorcise my tendency to give into irritations at noises and reactions to other such triggers. I listened to Michael Singer lying by the river yesterday again, that bit where he explains how to allow the turbulence inside completely and sit back inside as if you are watching a show. No suppression, fully feeling it, but not adding to it with a thought story of ‘this shouldn’t be happening’. Every single little ounce of this is helpful and adds to the power of benign energy and disarms the separatist controlling ego.

Last night the friend that was wanting to stay over said she wouldn’t be there till 10pm instead of 8pm. That was a little bitty test for me. As I find it difficult to asset my needs over others at times. I texted back that sorry, it was too late. Felt good to say no.

Headache came back on Monday and is still here. It’s a rainy one again today. There’s a big family wedding tomorrow we are preparing for. Life is a bit upside down and that’s good!

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