Been loving the depth of sharing from my son T. Some of it quite hard for a mother to listen to, the despair, agony and anxiety side of his personal process….his struggles to find healthy ways through all that and periods of using unhealthy ways and getting stuck in that. I’m so glad he can share his struggles so openly. We are such good friends.
It is making me realise even more that what’s missing here is having close open connections like these, a community of support and sharing. He also feels that in Portugal. And his friend R who visited all day yesterday feels it too! Is it an epidemic of isolation and loneliness going on or what?
I make the best of my life and try to appreciate it all and I am certainly not without support and friends and some family around me. Yet I have this thought that if I only had more of such closeness around more often life would feel warmer and more encouraging. And happier.
Where have I heard that before?!
If only I had a partner I’d be happy.
If only I had more money I’d be happy.
If only I lived in a nicer house I’d be happy.
The whole advertising industry relies on such ideas. Is this just a thing the ego does, dreams up these alternate scenarios and futures where we would be happy if only such ‘n such were happening it would all be better.
I think these contrasts provide valuable learning too though. And show us what we are missing or what we could do with more of. So there’s a bit of glass half empty going on for me right now. And I feel such intense guilt having those thoughts! It sounds like a complaint and I judge myself for complaining when I have so much and feel guilt and shame.
So yes I’ve also got this perfect life where I work 4 or 5 hours a week and have a business with an excellent reputation that works with good skilled employees. I have a new career starting too that is fulfilling and I can gradually transition to.
I’m now going to paint a picture which is truthful of what it has been like doing this business on my own. It is not, I hope, a poor me story.
And I acknowledge that it’s been a valuable training mentally emotionally and spiritually. So yes there’s a lot to be grateful for and I lean on that 90% of the time. It’s not the whole truth, as it has also been extremely stressful and wearing and I need to just be honest and let this side of myself out.
For 15 years I’ve been in this business alone, all the responsibility and decisions of it land with me. It’s successes and failures. I have to motivate myself on my own even when I don’t feel encouraged.
The taking of risks, the burden of things going wrong. Being sued and having nobody to share the trauma of that. Being investigated by HMRc and no one to share the anxiety of that. Almost going out of business several times.
I have had to find courage when I feel little of it and feel scared. There’s nobody to share it with. The batterings from horrible clients. Troubles with employees. Dealing with legal responsibilities and paying taxes.
I have had to run a business knowing the entire time that I’m the exactly wrong type of personality type for running a business. I’ve played to my strengths but my weaknesses have held success back.
Every single effort and ounce of motivation I have had to generate from within without any encouragement whatsoever, no support. Also no ability to share worries out loud and discuss them through and come to solutions through sharing and brainstorming which is how I work best. Just round and round in my head creating an anxiety soup of possible disastrous outcomes at times. Then I feel paralysed to act. Then I find a way though though because I have to act, nobody else is going to as it’s all up to me.
It’s been horrible. An ordeal. There I said it. Even the successes, that’s even been hard to take on my own. Nobody to share the failures or successes with. I have felt lost and muddled in my head at times, especially though menopause that has passed now I think. It’s also felt a bit pointless. If this was part of a plan with another to create a better life as a team – maybe create nicer life, well maybe that would have helped. I don’t really ever have a direction or reason for doing it. No meaning and purpose.
There’s a contrasting scenario in my head where I’m part of a partnership with a husband – and we are a team with some direction and goal we are working towards. A partner who shares all that and adds their own qualities to it that I maybe lack. Who makes suggestions and has new ideas, that shares the tasks and brings their strengths and qualities to it. Who starts the day with a ‘what shall we do next today’. We offer mutual support and encouragement and address each other’s fears. That would have been so good.
It’s not reality though.. they just have not appeared.
Yesterday morning I met my clients and we chose some special items. This beauty is £1000! We had interesting conversations about the whole whole thing going on with the youngsters, and our difficulty with some of it. Aware I’m using my clients as friends and they just want to choose some plants though. Happy people, pleasant to be around.
T’s old friend R visited for the day yesterday. I listened to their open vulnerable conversation and sharing about their lives, successes difficulties and struggles. So real and honest, beautiful. It was a joy.
And my life is devoted to waking up fully and that takes priority over everything and all I have written is fodder here and all the challenges are fuel for that process. Sometimes I need to let the human side have its say. Becoming awake in the world while having a normal life presents unique challenges not experienced by yogis who retreat to caves in the past.