Surfing the Constant Fluctuations

Same again this morning, woke with disturbance inside, anxiety while coming out of a dream of being in the middle of a war torn city with gunfire and chaos. Hope I’m not psychic, but Glasgow seems pretty stable 🙂

There’s a rhythm of rising and receding fear all the time just now as I surf this new increasingly amorphous territory as less and less of a tangible identity. Nothing to hold onto…just moving through and through, meeting the ground appearing in front of me. No chance of any planning or control. And nothing is collapsing still.

The ego, well it wants to ‘find it’s feet’ and tries to map the constantly shifting territory….and yet none of that is at all possible. It’s a magical mystery tour changing every single second. Just go with it. Trust. Breath. What choice is there anyway. It obvious what to do and how, I go with it or try to resist and it’s a big ouch.

Noticing and letting the thoughts arise and drop over and over. Breath from low in the body. Sitting up straight feels better than slouching. Then the feeling sensations and blocks can be given space to be felt. Not interested in eating in general as a source of satisfaction but an attraction to fruit and not meat though I really liked it. Body saying no way to alcohol even though I try and persuade it sometimes but it doesn’t work. Kind of hope that one comes back but fine if it doesn’t too. However theres an almighty big yes to cake, wtf! There’s a lot of time outdoors and alone gazing in nature, love the sheer indifference of nature to a ‘me’, and the absorption into it. A few friends a week out there for walks and deep chats and not deep chats. Lovely interactions with strangers. A business that keeps going without me doing much it seems. Watching with interest how it plays out.

Orientation and grounding of a kind is possible though into the safety of this present moment, using the senses to ground into the now. What is heard, and seen…and that helps with the getting used to the temporal fluctuating nature of it all. The present is always here as a safe refuge. It always seems to feel safe right here and now. The scary stuff only happens in the thoughts projecting bad outcomes in the future, and then the body responds to those thoughts as if those outcomes are really happening. Then it takes a while for the body to flush out the cortisol and adrenaline, bit of patience and allowing. Might as well not go there and continue to notice and drop and notice and drop.

The right now is always just fine. The dog is lying relaxed beside me. I’m seated on a cushion, there are traffic noises, I’m breathing. I’m warm. Not hungry, not in pain. I have everything I need. No need to want otherwise or resist this moment in any way. It’s perfect. Even the anxiety I still feel, a residue from the dream or some old patterning response.

It can take a while to actually locate the feeling sensation physically, to locate it….takes some concentration. Can’t be thinking about other stuff while doing it. It took a few goes and there was a mild tight feeling in the throat and chest. It usually seems to be there for me though I’m open to sensations appearing elsewhere. I’ve read and heard other people finding contracted areas in their stomach, face, shoulders. I dont know how it works, but for me it’s usually around the solar plexus or throat or heart area in between that gets tight when I’m resisting. Or when an old stored blocked is triggered.

After a while, 2 or 5 or 10 minutes it eases and dissipates. Only if I’m not trying to get rid of it though which is just going back to the original contraction away strategy. It has to be an allowing it to have space whatever the feeling.