Sun shining on the trees out the windows this morning, and all is well. Allowing well-being to shine too, and savouring and feeling gratitude for these moments of peace.
Yes allowing. Not chasing it away with some problem or other.
Letting it be, to arise, to feel the inner rest, the peace.
Breathe into it.
Pause with it.
New neural pathways take time to establish.
Face the fear of not interpreting and stay with the experience.
I’m still reciting the Gayatri since I woke up this morning, whenever my mind wonders. I say it out loud and I’m brought back to the present. Tat savitur varenyam….bargo devasia demahi….diyoyo na prachodiat…..and sometimes out loud to the dog who looks at me with the deepest love.
Back in a smooth bit with lowered anxiety now. Relief. That bout of the ‘dark night of the soul’ and that intensive type of shadow work has passed. For now anyway.
To look head on at all the disowned parts, the bits I am ashamed of, that I even despise, and am afraid to expose, that I judge as weak…well that’s what was going on.
And it seems to be a periodic testing. The ego loved it. It can grab back all that ground it thinks it lost. All this freedom I’m moving into is such a loss of face for it.
Not exactly testing though, more like an opportunity to bring the lost children back in for a hug. One or two at once is fine, then if another 3 or 4 or 5 are added well then I can wobble and feel burdened by thoughts and negative judgements about what a deficient human being I am. It hits on that core belief. Not good enough, not lovable. That sense of deficiency has to be faced. It is a total lie, which hangs around in the background trying to stay mostly hidden. It pervades nearly the whole of society, and makes us insecure and dulled.
Still on the shadow work here though, feel strong enough to have another go at one particular area of reactivity – my annoyed responses about the noises upstairs. To do this I’m back to Michael Singer’s audiobook which I have found invaluable for dealing with anything in the environment which causes inner disturbances. If anyone wants a free copy I have 5 credits to use up so send your email. I played a bit to my friend N in the park yesterday, he was very impressed and I sent a copy. He has a 4 year old running about above him at his place.
Yesterday it was another day in paradise. I met this new friend R in the park and we went for a walk and then coffee. And an almighty deep talk, we shared a lot and learned too. It was lovely and nutritious.
Then met my friend N in a grumpy mood and suspected being surrounded by nature would help, and it did. We sat for an hour by the river. I pottered around and did some Himalayan Balsam clearing, keeping ‘my’ bit of the river clear of this invasive species.
Then after 6 hours outside came back here, tired and happy. Asleep by 10, awake at 6.30 and to the Gayatri and diaphragmic breathing.
I’m progressing work slowly bit by bit as I feel to, the next projects for the men to do. It is true that little work is going on, though I wonder if that sense of not doing anything is actually true…. if it is instead a diminishing sense of ‘I’ and that the work is just being done with less of an ‘I’. So life goes on with less of an ‘I’, it just seems quite different, less of a feeling of effort and me being involved.
I notice through the day when I’m by the river that I’m answering emails, ordering things, arranging appointments, sending invoices to the accountants and all that. About to pay the men right now and then go off to be with them for an hour for a task that need my input. So things are actually being done.
Today meeting P for a walk with the dogs in the park and coffee. Yes Groundhog Day, bit like that in a way. Except the subtle changes are everywhere in nature and each day a new flower, weather condition, a breeze, no breeze, sunny, cloudy, rainy, new smells…a different friend, or alone with no friend.