Still reciting the Gayatri out loud quietly and inside a lot. I haven’t much experience with mantra based meditation but I’m finding this memory of the Gayatri is creating a peace and has re emerged at just the right time. It is just said as it is written in terms of pronunciation.
Tat savitur varenyam;
Bhargo devasya dheemahi;
Dhiyo yonah prachodayaat.
Roughly translated the meaning I use is ‘may the source of wisdom of which we are a part, illuminate our knowing of the union underlying all’.
A devotional aspect of surrendering the individual ‘me’ into the all in trust is a joy.
And any thoughts that want to muscle in, well there’s not much room for them, as there is a field created by the protective energy of this devotional expansive prayer. It is said to be at least 3000 years old.
It slices way beyond discursive thought, the intellect, the emotions, the experience of the ‘I’…just a straight direct connection reminder of what is already always there and always was.
And for me, an asking for help and an acknowledgement for needing guidance which evokes a humbleness. Which is of course eschewed by the personality and ego, that thinks it knows or can know.
I’m having a leap into the more nebulous right now. Forced by the lack of comfort and satisfaction in the tangible, and the intellect’s concepts, the mind’s bla bla bla.
I’m no longer driven by improving my life, wishing for something better, a country cottage, more friends, a partner, more wisdom and knowledge. It’s been an almighty arriving instead. And like I said yesterday it ain’t exactly awful. It’s perfectly choreographed. I can just relax with it all. Let go.
It has been a horrific dread for the ego to find that the answer is to Stop. All that restless lust for improvement and forward motion no longer required. So all that was hidden by that has to be faced as it is right now. Hence the shadow work I’ve been engaging with recently.
There’s a kind of chaos going on with work just now. 4 of the team of 7 off today. 2 with covid, one off due to his kids nursery graduation ceremony and another who relies on the former can’t now get in due to the rail strikes. And it’s okay, Struggle to find a bit of me that cares about the disruption to progress. It’s all fine.
More noises later upstairs yesterday and this morning met with little or no reactiveness inside again. Notice this morning the tug of a semi formed thought trying to arise ‘this shouldn’t be…’ and breathed and let go. Said the Gayatri. All fine. It’s just something going on, a sound. Like the cars passing. Comings and goings of the world.
After a session of being with the noises upstairs yesterday, just allowing the disturbing feelings, they didn’t even feel disturbing any more. Some stomping, banging, creaking then over with.
Right after that I fell asleep on the sofa 6-8, deep deep sleep and woke up and could hardly walk or orientate after. Who knows what’s going on or why that happened. I’m not even asking for answers, just accepting. The mind thinks it’s all mad how I’m living.
I’m outside for around 4-6 hours a day in nature recently, well for months now. And when inside I’m on the iPad at this kitchen table for hours, and cycle through the usual places, a bit of mundane news on the BBC, a hefty intellectual podcast here and there, like Lex Fridman, some YouTube talks on non-duality, the Buddhist nun reading old Dzogchen texts, or a film or series, preferably a period drama. Hardly any of it is more than just passing time and of very little interest.
The plants get watered, dish washer put on, a shower….bit of cleaning and tidying. And I’m not brushing off these things as so unimportant. How I partake determines a lot. How present I am to each little supposedly mundane action. Or am I rushing to get to something more interesting. Like what, Netflix?!
This is all there is. These small actions. Eat, wash, walk, breath, drive, posture. Be. Breath. Relax. Allow. Feel.