Dreamt I was back in an office after 3 or 4 days off. I was asked by some colleagues if I had gone away anywhere and said yes, to Bali and Cambodia.
It was a total lie told with complete ease and I was kind of surprised at myself doing it.
Immediately comes a rush of embarrassment and guilt for lying. Then incoming dread of the realisation that it is actually logistically impossible and if they thought about it they would realise it’s impossible too, and would know I was lying. So I quickly added that I’d planned on going to the Himalayas too but couldn’t fit it all in, hoping the overload of information would distract them from working it out.
I wanted to undo it by admitting I had lied right there and then. I quickly rehearsed it in my head, maybe I’d say “I don’t know why but I just completely lied about that”. Then came an inrush of more shame and the thought of the embarrassment. I woke up.
Lot of meaty stuff in that one – pride, lying to impress, fear of what others think. Whew. The dark night of the soul shadow work continues…
The difficulty of waking up can be summarised by the wish to save face. This has been at the back of my mind for a long long time.
Yesterday I saw a new client , some shopping and headed for the park. Spent a couple of hours doing the usual – walking slowly, hovering around pondering and immersed in the senses. Just in my happiest state out in nature. Lay down in the field later, really soaking up the grounding. It was so windy and elemental. Then back here, a lie down then a walk through the woods to the allotment for a visit. Sat listening to Eckhart Tolle watching to birds coming to the feeder.
I’m practically handicapped just now. This agony of the ego losing face, the relinquishment of separation. What a terror it is. I’m incapable of behaviour normally in business. No desire to do anything. lot of lying down, only attractive action is being in nature.
I’ve got a therapy client in 10 minutes. I’m fine with that. No idea what to expect but what usually happens is that the ‘me’ steps back and I go into serving the other and what is needed in the moment arises.