What a drama it all is right now. Still in this trial of a time, and this fear is in my body and my increasingly unmasked ego is hurtling attacks on me. Not a lot to say about it except that it is painful as hell. The good thing is that my thoughts are getting so obviously desperate fear laden they are more obvious to notice and so not believe which is more useful. They are loud and clunky and clumsy. Jangling around my head the thoughts are requesting I look at this or that person negatively, look at the flaws in myself too, fear this, worry about that, watch out for this danger and so on.
I listened to the latest Angelo DiLullo retreat talk in the evening, during the night when I woke up (which is happening more due to the fear onslaught) and in the morning as I drifted awake. It was very very helpful. He dissects the very process I’m undergoing in detail very skilfully. Reassuring.
And his grounding recommendations on how to undergo it are what I’m already doing which is also reassuring, that I know and can trust myself amid all this doubt. Nature and being present.
Clinging to not much other than the teaching, the community and mostly the simple and ordinary in the present moment. I bit my tongue and have got 5 little cuts in my mouth making eating and talking uncomfortable. So less eating and talking which is ideal.
Though I have broken the talking bit a couple of times this week with family/and an old friend and it has not been a positive result. The problem with this growing uncovering of my own ego machinations is that I’m seeing other peoples more clearly and it is a bit ugly seeing their games. Our games as my ego is in there too.
I am feeling more stable and relaxed though despite saying all this. It’s because I know what is happening. I’m not confused or wondering what is going on or thinking there’s something wrong with me that I need to fix.
It’s a vital part of the awakening process and journey to face it all. And it is why they say it is not for the faint hearted. It is tough and painful and is a fire that has to be travelled to and pain to be undergone.
Isn’t it funny that it requires all this just to return to innocence.