Still been waking up with these worry thoughts that create anxiety if I don’t notice them, which I’m not managing to the last few days, they have been very insistent. No sooner do I notice one, then another appears, then another. Like machine gun fire. And when they slip in with a suggestion of something scary and I believe them and feel stressed. God, the human condition huh! I’m aware this is a good opportunity to feel fully instead of contracting way, as there is no denying the anxiety being experienced.
Talking of God I prayed yesterday by the river on my knees and asked for help, stated my openness to hearing any guidance. Some humbleness, sitting in not knowing, and being in ‘beginners mind’ rather than the ‘I know’ mind. An attempt at greater softness, less contraction allowing the receptivity to arise. I don’t know the answers. I don’t know what to do. I enjoying a beautiful few moments.
I’m observing myself with a little bemusement though too amid all this angst lately. The business is in a better condition than it has been for years, we still have 6 weeks left of a large profitable project, and the business owes less money than probably ever before.
True that I don’t have the next job lined up, which can cause worry thoughts. I’m worrying as if I’m sitting in terrible debt with no money and no work. And I do have a second source of income if I were to need it. I don’t feel moved to getting more clients of either kind at the moment.
I think that having only myself to depend on has this edginess to it, unlike people in a couple where they have the support of each other, financially and emotionally. It’s relentlessly all up to me.
But it is showing me that it makes little difference what is happening in the outside circumstances of life largely. Which makes sense when you think of those who end their lives who are wealthy, in a loving relationship and good looking. And my wealthy uncle who worries about money more than me.
I spent the day yesterday floating around in nature and in the allotment twice. It’s the only place I feel safe and well and happy at this time. The oceanic sense of togetherness comes on like a switch when I gaze at even the most ordinary natural features, the grass even, the way it sways in the wind I somehow feel inside my body or my body seems to expand so that it becomes part of it. The way the water slowly flows down the river, similar sensation of unity. Much reduced sense of inner contraction which is why it is so attractive. Then I’m gifted with so many special wildlife sightings. Yesterday a kingfisher sat nearby for 15 minutes, unheard of for me. And at the allotment the kingfisher keeps visiting. I feel so honoured.
I’m also happy lying back on the sofa which I often do, from around 4 every day, till an evening park walk around 7. I’m in bed by 9pm most nights. Some kind of fatigue going on, or a lot of resting anyway. And a complete lack of motivation for worldly concerns.
I have clients waiting for prices and I just don’t do it. I have money to get from another client and I take a while to get round to it. I just think these things will happen when they happen. I have clients I’m contacting with very long gaps of time in between to the point they get annoyed potentially. An excuse for laziness some might say. I’m going with whatever I find myself doing. Maybe I’m experimenting with that, and my fear of the disapproval and rejection from another. That’s one of those morning fears that shout at me recently as I awake in bed. “You should be doing this, they are going to be furious with you!”.
What is being yearned for is already here, even though I can’t see it, how frustrating is that! I feel gratitude for this perfect life. This morning I’m meeting P in the park with the dogs for a walk and tea. Then will visit the men. Then what I don’t know.