The more I practice dropping into the feelings in the body, the more pain I uncover. There’s a whole lineup of doubt, pride, guilt and shame and fear. Arghhh.
Rationally, it is just logical that if I set a course of looking under every stone to uncover all that is hidden, what hides will be found. I do love the adventure and challenge of this. Yet there’s a good reason it hides. It’s damn painful to look at. I feel the pain and then I can sometimes lose my nerve.
I try to grab something, anything but there’s nothing much at all now, alcohol is gone, comfort eating gone, seeking warmth from company, gone. They didn’t really work anyway very well. More non duality videos, helps maybe a bit. But often can’t take any more info in I feel so full up with theory. And then after a while I get back on the horse, some time passes and perspective returns. I look back on how dramatic the cycle was and smile at what a scaredy custard I was.
Awakening in bed this morning thoughts of impending calamity and disaster arrived hard and fast as I awoke and then the fear took hold of my nervous system. Had to sit up. Breathed deeply from low in my stomach.
Worry thoughts had seduced me once again, about not having work lined up for my team after this job. I have succumbed to the fear brought by that thought a gazillion times and yet work seems to just line up in time. And so what if it didn’t, we would deal with it fine.
I chastise myself then for giving into the fear, especially as I’m not doing very much to do anything to change it, as I have next to no motivation for work. I’m doing next to nothing and it all keeps going just fine. In fact it’s actually doing better than ever before. What the heck!
Mostly I’ve just been trusting the path and wherever it leads even if that means letting go of it all. Apartment, business, people, whatever. And sometimes not trusting at all like this morning. Instead panicking that it’s all falling apart. Ping, pong, ping, pong.
Read some of the ‘5 Pillars of Zen’ and watched a beautiful uplifting documentary called a Brooklyn Castle about a school leading pupils to heights of achievement and confidence through mastering chess.
I’m trying not to get concerned or pay much attention to the vagaries of my moods. They pass and come and go. Up down up down. And yet I do feel them so intensely and sometimes believe the sky is falling in. Forgetting it’s a passing mood visiting. Sometimes spirits are up and sometimes low. I try and connect with that part of me that is unmoved and unchanging, while experiencing all this.
My son texted me from the emergency department at hospital last night in Portugal with irregular heartbeat and dizziness. he waited 6 hours and left without being seen. Lifestyle issue. Stressful job, feeling low and using alcohol and other substances to try and feel good. I feel sad about that and worried what he is getting into drug and alcohol wise.
I spent the afternoon in the park with my friend N yesterday. Neither in a good place initially but we talked ourselves into deep processing about our mothers and arrived out the other side. He helped me focus on the actual feeling about it. Sad. Ended up with sunshine arriving and a happier mood.