Feeling quite stressed. Do I know what that is about, well yes I do. This whole process of facing and learning to be with everything just as it is, alerts the fight and flight system. This personality of mine in particular has developed a devoted idealist identity which it uses to stay optimistic and buoyant in mood. But also it can be used as quite an effective filter and defence against reality, only seeing what I want to see, only what brings or reinforces optimism and hope. The harshness of facing the disowned truths is quite a shake up and I can feel a bit lost and out at sea.

I find myself looking for a devotional practice to anchor. I light a candle and a sandalwood incense stick. I see the attraction that people have to Jesus or other religious figures, and a little envy even of the solid belief and security they find in that. I can imagine what a rudder that would be in this open sea.

Poppies in the walled garden

The brain and our conditioning keeps some realities about ourselves hidden from us for a purpose, so that we don’t damage our self image/ego/self esteem by seeing through our defences and the ways we are fake and avoiding reality.

My resting heart rate is very low though at only 50 at the moment, which suggests very relaxed indeed physically. It’s not physical stress though, it’s psychological. I notice that nearly all thoughts are a disturbance, even fairly neutral ones. Notice and drop and notice and drop….I got the tool for that 🙂

I have been on the internet a lot and I can barely take in any more information. It’s overload after gorging. Now taking a space, breathing consciously from the belly. In and out smoothly, no gap. Another useful tool.

The internet sits there as such a temptation to that information hungry bit of the personality. More more more it says. Anything but meet the rawness of the present as it is. But my body physiology doesn’t want screen or phone time, it wants organic surroundings and physical meetings with people. I’m taking note. That’s where I can go off into some idealised non city life with chickens and countryside and quiet.

An email arrived with the latest workshops and courses coming up, and a breath-work one caught my eye. My friend E has been doing breath classes for 25 years and reminds me sometimes to breath properly. So maybe that’s something to do.

Yesterday I went out round the park on the bike for a change, with the dog trotting next to me. It was sunny and lovely and holiday weekend busy busy with people. Some enjoyable interactions and chats with strangers. Went to the allotment and interacted a little more and sat and planted and watered. Planning to dig a pond for wildlife. The woodpecker came back again.

Much quality deep interaction with my son T again yesterday by text and a 2 hour evening phone call getting into the deepest of subjects about the human predicament. Quite in depth about the deficiency story we carry and the damage that does and how to approach it, also how life can be like without it. I’m glad he is exploring the far reaches of human potential and also is aware of honouring his own capacities in this. We talked about ‘shadow work’ and how hard it can be on the self esteem and ego and he knows he wants to pace himself as he can handle it. We talked about the confidence required and that it must be nurtured throughout the process. I enjoy hearing his excellent analysis and deep thoughts.

That’s it for now. Today I have a therapy client soon, a visit to see the men, some work to progress. And a river and trees to visit of course! And I’ve been doing some work on my therapy site, as I’d like to increase the clients again now that I have said goodbye to a few. Want to find words that align more with what I do and my approach.

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