Good wildlife watching the last few days out in the park. I saw a large buzzard landing in the crows’ patch of trees and I watched as they swooped at it and chased it off. And 3 herons in the field which is unusual, maybe 2 young ones and the mother.
It’s painful to look at the negative early conditioning as I have done recently. Little ‘dark nights of the soul’ experiences, diving into the deficiency stories. That sense of personal deficiency is so painful.
When the cycle comes round for a deep dive into it, I notice each time a deeper healing takes place. I look at more of it and in turn I’m left a little lighter, and less afraid of looking at it all. Even if at the time it’s very uncomfortable and painful. And today I have a little residue left over so a time for patience and nurturing. Remembering compassion and kindness and noticing criticism and judgement creeping in helps.
I met my friend N for a 2 hour lunch yesterday and we discussed it. The sense of deficiency, or belief in our own deficiency which was given to us by parents and others around us as children. His view is that it is ‘hard wired’ in all of us and he has learned to accept that. Accept that the deficiency story will pop up, recognise and let go.
That makes sense, and even having a little fun with it too. ‘Oh there it is again, hello deficiency story’ approach. The way I do when anxiety pops up or irritation. Light hearted. This grappling head on to battle with with it, with a view to getting rid of it, well that’s just a recipe for inner struggle.
This morning I have been listening to Tom Cambell in bed. It’s a wonderful simple positive chat about the power of gratitude, being useful in life, relationships, meeting new people, compassion, taking responsibility, learning from pain, being active and positive and how to live a happy life in general. How to be with complaining people, which I found particularly useful – don’t join in! I notice the temptation to join in can be strong sometimes and it can end up as an exchange of complaint. So thank you Tom Cambell and Laurie, it is so pleasant to be around such positive talk.
I have been eating delicious okra for breakfast from the local Nepali restaurant, I have a therapy client soon, then meeting my friend P in the park for a walk and coffee and then a massage 💆♀️. Gratitude for the daily luxury and support that I live with.