I had a long site visit yesterday and extensive chats with the client, the men and tree surgeons about having to take down a beautiful 100+year weeping ash tree which is now no more. It was diseased. I felt sad to see that happen.
Then to the park up the river, the woods and a wander around. Tried to listen to some Longchenpa but could barely focus on it. I need to find my own way back into stillness – it can’t be applied from the outside in. Especially when there’s some agitation inside. Some processing of conditioning bubbling away. That seems to close the door.
I’m going in and out of stillness the last few days. Long glimpses lasting hours have been a most welcome relief. That incident with M’s temper tantrum, while it was a victory for me remaining centred amid tumult, well I’ve lost my buddy again.
Then to the allotment which was very busy and noisy in my corner, with the team of kids next door and another 3 neighbours all in too. The outside world reflects the inner huh!
There was beauty and kindness too. A neighbouring allotmenteer who I don’t know came with some young swede plants for us and another one brought me a flowering plant. There’s a lovely sharing in that little community.
Something deep and sore is being faced. There’s a part of me/my conditioning, which doesn’t believe I have a right to exist. That thinks I’m worthless. That feels a need to apologise for its existence. That is so afraid. That easily acquiesces and submits.
I noticed when the neighbour gave me the flowering plant I was reluctant to receive it. “Are you sure?” I asked several times. Even though he assured me he had too many. I felt uncomfortable and even diminished by the gift somehow, a shrinking away inside. This is what a problem with receiving looks like. Even though I gave him something really nice last week, I still found it hard to receive.
Not letting love in.
It feels selfish. Strong conditioning to think of the needs of others, to be the giver, to ignore own needs, feelings, wants. They are not important. So I’m not important. Not important enough to be cared for lovingly.
Past experiences of being hurt when vulnerable. Childhood. And a couple of relationships. C was regularly psychologically cruel. M had a ferocious temper. I was traumatised after 8 years with C, and then M caused enormous hurt as I was closer to him. And I chose them.
Both damaged and avoidant, like my dad. Trying to get the love I didn’t get from him from blocked unavailable emotionally men just like him. An unconscious attempt to reverse the unlovable message I received.
We try and ‘solve’ these things. Even as kids, we try and solve the parents’ unhappiness. We take the blame for it too. If they treat us harshly, ignore us, disregard our feelings, we take that to mean we are not lovable.
In comes the ‘repetition compulsion’, and we find ourselves strongly going for what is familiar. I just wasn’t attracted to loving demonstrative psychologically healthy men. It was the remote damaged ones I found magnetic.
This inward rejection of ‘me-ness’ is a sorest of wounds of my conditioning. Some part of me believes it is not worthy of love.
There have been times when I’ve been presented with an expression of love from another that moves me quickly to tears, or a danger of tears which I close up to. Not wanting to embarrass myself or the other.
I know it is not rational, that I am lovable, loving and a person with lots of wonderful qualities I can easily list without cringing. I have worked at this for a long time. I have learned how to practise self compassion and kindness. I can forgive myself quickly for mistakes. I can encourage myself. I receive compliments with no problem and recognise and agree with the compliment.
Yet. That doubt is there on some deep level. And it appears in small exchanges spontaneously. There is no hiding from those immediate spontaneous responses and reactions to small unexpected events.
The apologising for things. Awkwardness about receiving things.
The ambiguity about material success. Which I thought was all to do with a conflict of goals involving spirituality, material security and ego. Likely also a withholding from myself in a false belief that I don’t deserve it.
How can there ever be full confidence when there is this inner attack of self going on? When it feels like a jungle in here, dangerous animals lurk ready to pounce unexpectedly.
Talking of jungles, it was a good wildlife spotting day. I enjoyed watching the blue tit parents go in and out of the nest box and the sound of the chicks chirping for food. I watched a little mouse just appear and hang out nearby, and also the deer came very close in the woods without bolting.
Nothing planned again today other than a walk in nature and a loose arrangement to meet N for lunch. Not sure about that, I’m vulnerable to influences just now, and he can be negative. Open mind open mind girl! Don’t decide how people will be.