I’ve been submerging back into the teachings of Longchenpa the last couple of days, after weeks of being unable to access it due to the low vibrational frequency I was hitting with my shadow work.
My ego was so aroused and in my face and it just repelled such a high note so I sustained myself on just being present and focussing on beauty instead. It has been wonderful being able to return to the teachings.
After a 12 hour sleep, I was up early to catch the sunbeams in the woods by the river yesterday with the dog, a gorgeous walk followed by the eyes of a little deer part of the way. Had a vague plan to go on a journey with M later that I was not going to bother pursuing.
I had my doubts about going such a long car and ferry journey given that I’d be trapped with him. Yikes, the conspiracy theories. And he has a habit of getting angry with me on the way back.
He texted though and I went with it. Let’s just try again I thought. And it was beautiful. I felt very present so I wasn’t in such a vulnerable receptive state as the last couple of weeks. I was ringing out my note smoothly. Great music, good chat, beautiful ferry journey, extensive walking around the winding hillside paths of Benmore botanic garden with a range of species that was very impressive. We got on great as we do so much of the time.
Then waiting on the ferry on the way back, I disagreed with one of his conspiracy beliefs and suggested we accept that we have different worldviews. That was him in a rage directed towards me about how uninformed I am. Actually I don’t even know what he was so angry about. I tried to joke about it but nope, he wasn’t going to talk any more all the way home.
We were both tired and a bit hungry so it probably wasn’t the wisest timing on my part to oppose something he fervently believes in. I do get fed up though just going along with it for the sake of keeping the peace. It seems I’m colluding I offer so little resistance to the nonsense.
I was feeling pretty fluid and spontaneous still despite this. And rather than my usual trying to appease and giving my power away to a person lost in a tantrum, I found myself plugging in my headphones and continued listening to Longchenpa as if he wasn’t there. Seeking refuge in the teaching and doing what I’d do normally. Let him have the tantrum and don’t get upset or interfere.
Normally I’d be in agony having someone angry sitting beside me for such a long time and not talking. I’d be wishing it were otherwise and trying to make it otherwise. My personality type really gets upset by disharmony. And it feels very poisonous being in a car with a person so polluted with anger. I felt it yesterday too. Yet all the while I also felt quite stable inside, protected with the help I had coming through my ears.
I was consciously keeping my heart open as I drove along, watching out for the contractions to happen in self protection. I practised the breathing that E had shown me, taking full conscious breaths. That helped me to stay open.
This time from me there was a focus on the highest wisdom. Let all that arises do so without interfering. An hour at least of no talking, me with my headphones in. Such an odd situation that would normally be considered very rude. I dropped him off and he got out even before the car had stopped and slammed the door as hard as he could. And that’s that!
Today is a brand new day. What will I write in my school exercise book on this day I wonder? Or will it take me a while to recover from yesterday’s events? No idea. Every day is a strange day these days! I have a potential new client to see shortly and then I’ll visit the men. And that’s as far ahead as I can manage.
Learning to Rest with it All 