Out early today to bathe in the morning sunshine – up the river to the woods and into the field. Listening to Longchenpa on my headphones, bathed on that too and still have it on just now. It is is where all this pain is nudging us. And this one would be a candidate for a desert island book.
There’s been a channel change inside here, and an energy refresh. I slept for 12 hours right through last night.
I’m glad I’m getting used to the way these deep self enquiry facing everything periods sink the mood, and maybe they won’t always do that, even though it’s pretty hellish to be in pain inside, I kind of remember in the back of my mind now that it does stop. This is a clearing out process. Hate to use the word purification as it implies sin and I dont mean that but yes, that’s what is going on.
Looking in at the blockages (which is ouch if doing several at once!), facing them squarely head on, there’s a contraction and then a release. And what’s left is me more empty of conditioned responses and identification with reactions.
So fear and all its offspring….jealousy, competitiveness, loneliness, hostility, imagined slights, defensiveness, believing untrue thoughts, aversion, clinging and so on. Where do these show up? Notice and release. And try not to beat oneself up in the process, but that’s unavoidable at times since we tend to feel responsible and ashamed if we are admitting things face on for the first time, or if it is seldom done. Needs a bit of backbone. And the knowledge somewhere in the background that we are infinitely lovable and loving, that’s our true nature. And all of the above is an emanation of love ultimately.
Yesterday it was 6 hours at the allotment garden, just being, pottering, enjoying the birds. Got a pair of blue tits nesting in my bird box. I feel very thrilled by that. Bought some more veg plug plants. Beetroot, globe artichoke, fennel. Planted some raspberries and flowering herbaceous perennials and shrubs. Contemplating building a pond there for wildlife.
Man, it’s a solitary journey this. I know I’ve been complaining about loneliness recently, but that’s just me saying does it have to be like this. I know it does. It’s the Way, the Tao. It’s the nature of it. One at a time. No clinging to wishes and preferences for pals to lessen my own fear of jumping off the edge. Single file only. Yet I know it’s a collective effort too and I’m not really alone ever. Ever.