Being Open and Feeling Low

Being somewhat unravelled, undone and deconstructed just now, I’m not shining my usual note. There’s a low mood visiting and and I’m responding in a clunky way, and 2 friends noticed that last night. The ones who are therapists with whom I have a monthly Zoom night. We have been doing this for the last 2 years since we qualified. It was an awkward one for me last night.

I felt myself squirming in discomfort, knowing they just were not understanding what I’ve been doing and that it’s a voluntary process.

Forensic friend drilled into it, went into rescue and solve mode, and then didn’t seem to understand my response, the radical honesty and self enquiry I’ve been doing and why.

I was very open and ended up with that sense of having revealed way too much and not even being understood. Oh man, it was uncomfortable. I felt a palpable anxiety as I wanted them to not feel uncomfortable and for me to be accepted just as I turned up. Which I wasn’t. They wanted me to be my happy self they usually see.

I see my desire to be understood in action there. So I end up sharing out of my own need rather than what is useful for the situation. Who is to say though what is inappropriate, maybe they got someone useful from it. So there I am enjoying some rare depth of company and end up feeling more alone. Lonely. I’ve been trying to be noble and call it aloneness but it’s really loneliness. I was reluctant to admit that because there is an inherent complaint in calling it lonely, a wish for the state not to be so. Aloneness sounds more neutral.

Who on earth not on this path would understand this voluntary suicide mission of decommissioning the ego with all the turmoil, disorientation and anguish it brings. And how lonely the path is too, wow. Of course there’s the bliss joy and love too that arises as a result of all this…..but the former seems to be a requirement and it’s painful while we are in it. The burning off of all that is reactive and affectatious. The false ideas self will suffer till it gives up trying to be something it is not. Mercifully this comes around in cycles with time in between of feeling more relaxed with not being intact in the same way any more. But sometimes the ego panics.

What am I like! So intense is everything I experience. Can’t say my life lacks meaning and purpose that’s for sure.

But that’s what is happening. I feel lonely. And my close friend M is also leaving now. R has gone down a similar rabbit hole with conspiracy theory land and I can’t talk to him now due to that. Bit of mourning going on perhaps. Love them both and valued their friendship.

What does the Tarot say. Like it, “Playing victim when you have put yourself in a situation you knew wasn’t right for you.” No idea what to believe about the iChing and tarot but this sure is a good site and full of wisdom. A bit of fun too.

This is quite funny, kind of. I was having lunch with M the other day and we have a friendly chat with a nearby couple, nice rapport being built. The subject of the Queen is brought up in passing. M states out loud that the Queen and Prince Charles both died some time ago and what we have now are replacements and haven’t we notice that they both look slightly different.

Omfg. I quickly said to the couple that I was not on board with that at all. Oh the insanity of it. Earlier on he was telling me ‘they’ are manipulating the weather. As if it wasn’t hard enough to be friends with him already, this crazy stuff is interfering big time with our harmonious interaction. I’m pretty sure it’s Qanon from what I have read. Gone gone gone. And even more big space now. Time to make friends with that. Could even come a time for me to start making new friends too? Maybe I join a group or two?