I had an odd realisation that I want to explore in the name of honesty with myself. It is a touchy one. I’ve been feeling uneasy recently, a low background nagging anxiety and guilt for sometime. It has increased today and I see it is work related. My neglect of some work tasks specifically.
I was contemplating doing some outstanding work today. The clients are waiting for a price for longer than is polite to leave them waiting. I’ve been in a bit of pain about that.
about knowing I have to do something I don’t enjoy
it is a task that if I get wrong has serious consequences for the business
the guilt for putting it off for weeks
the negative judgement that arises about that and in my imagination that they may be getting annoyed, disappointed or impatient or even go elsewhere if that gets bad enough.
So as a motivator to do the work, I imagined how good it would feel to do it and send it and not having it causing me pain any more. Divine relief and freedom from that guilt and angst about having it still to do. If I do it, that pain ceases.
And then another pain came in. About being happy, or perhaps about ending my pain. Oh what?! I like the pain?!
Now all of the above is fairly understandable, but why would I feel uncomfortable about ending all that pain. Albeit low level guilt.
I wonder if there is an attraction to the pain. A desire to keep it going.
I mean most people would just get it over with and be free and happy and get onto the next thing. Yet I stay stuck for ages. Languishing in procrastination.
I have written before about my anti-procrastination policy, which involved only doing things when I want to. And that works fine usually. Somehow creating an edifice of choice brings forth action at a time that feel natural and not as a result of duty or obligation or pressure.
But this one is going on and on, and it’s no longer acceptable. As there will be consequences I don’t want to experience.
So not answers here, but resistance to letting go of pain is one for todays contemplating on a walk. and next I’ll explore a bit more the resistance to happiness and maintaining the pain. As well as procrastination itself and will read this by Tim Urban
Yesterday was fine. The massage was wonderful and a deep chat connection with the masseuse. Then a visit to the men and the client which was all very jolly. And no real walk, just a sit for lunch, and in the evening went to the allotment and spread the new seaweed compost and planted a few plants.
Meeting a friend shortly for a walk in the park.
This is a typical Scottish breakfast oats.