Dissolving Identity


Everything I ever wanted is already here. I was just watching this video by Angelo DiLullo in bed this morning on that theme, and it sums up a recurring insight I’ve had for a few years and don’t fully remain seated in. It has required a lot of processing as it threw up layers of reactivity inside. And resistance to that level of intimacy with life. Exposure to the raw unfiltered uninterpreted everything.

There’s a strong sense of disappointment and even dread.

‘What no more romantic heroic questing for the Holy Grail, what am I supposed to do then?!”

I’ve been weaning myself off this idea of being on a quest for many years now and still am. The chase. It is all already here. So stop.

A significant part of this identity had weaved into its sense of purpose and meaning and personality structure a strong theme of seeking. However I saw how the seeking itself had become a major avoidance tactic, a way to keep on running in fear and do anything but just be, to rest with it all as it is.

Meet the moment just as it is.

Face the fear of not interpreting and stay with the experience.

I ran from the intensity of the intimacy of it using the idea of a spiritual quest. I had a romantic idea of me as an adventurer with horse and all, which strengthened the motive for seeking. This romantic idea of adventurer did help a lot early on as it gave me the courage to forge ahead through obstacles.

In the shower earlier I was being very present to it all, the sensations, the senses.

The way it felt to apply conditioner and run it through my hair, how it felt to the hands, the head being touched.

Then how the water sprinkled on my arms from the shower.

It was instant joy and even slight ecstasy, being fully fully there, nothing else exists, in that moment millisecond by millisecond. I was surprised by how amazing it feels to fully fully be there in each moment. Instead of thinking thinking.

I keep coming back to this over and over. Opportunities abound all around to realise that THIS is IT. It’s always it. It is not a rehearsal. This is where life happens in this very moment. And what often seems to automatically arise when I show up is joy.

Both therapy clients went really well yesterday. I’m learning from them all each time. What an honour it is. I feel so happy and and fulfilled doing this.

The first one has had his salary doubled to £250k a year and he was discussing how he feels about that. Quite logical about what it means for his life. I got a chance to feel myself out as he talked. Right on queue life had shown up with exactly what I need for my one of my current inner enquiries about material wealth.

The conversation with the next client we got pretty spiritual, and ended up talking about prayerful contemplation, listening to the invisible guidance by getting quiet inside. To state a willingness to listen and cooperate. ‘Not my will but Thy Will’ in the Christian language. Listening to The Force in my language. And we discussed how pain helps us ultimately by shaking us into being more conscious. I think it useful if the situation allows, to discuss that way that pain can be approached that way, as a helper. An opportunity. Too hard when one is flooded by it usually! Easier when it subsides a little. Timing for introducing these things is important.

And a text from M arrived which was unusual, and we met in the park, had a walk and a sit at the river and then lunch. He apologised for not turning up at the weekend. Actions speak louder than words though. You value a friendship, you turn up. Basic stuff.

He finds me withdrawn, not realising that the recurring subject matter of a worldwide conspiracy/plan to kill us all dampens my mojo for chat, I find it draining. Chasing the angels away lol 😂 it does!

It was okay at the park, I had rather low energy, I really don’t like that subject. And he is enthusiastically angry about it. Sigh. He is leaving soon, which will be a big loss to me, though I trust life clears spaces for a good reason. Its maybe time for that break now. It might be that another clearing out of friends is taking place in a minor way. There’s a couple I’m probably spending too much time with just for the company.

Today I just had a therapy client who I’m tapering off with as she happy and is no longer in distress, is applying all the tools and we are ending up chit chatting instead of working. Not someone Who wants to go to the transpersonal deeper levels, so my part has been played.

About to take the car to the garage, M is picking me up and then a walk.

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