Testing back into Unchanging Stillness

I have two clients to see this morning. It is always a great way to start the day, being useful. I love it. What an honour it is being invited into their lives so intimately and watching them blossom. Then will see the men on site then to the park.

A beautiful walk up over the lane to the river yesterday. Lay in the field in the long grass and wildflowers blowing and the dog right up close loving it too. It was soothing.

I was feeling a little bruised after releasing some pain and reactiveness here yesterday. It was a good experiential reminder how important it is for love and positive self regard to be present when doing self enquiry and unmasking the ego.

To observe without reactivity is the aim of uncovering the little micro responses I was busy noticing yesterday. The ego hides there often, hoping to pass under the radar in these tiny interactions and fleeting moments.

It can kick back when we unmask it, and we need to be resilient enough, not only to look in the first place but to take the kick back it doles out after. “Look at you, your so bothered by what people think, it’s weak, you have no right to be helping others, you should be over that by now”. Or “tut tut, still feeling lonely then, that’s not very self reliant or evolved or spiritual then is it”. That sort of thing.

I watched the thought stream inside doing this on my walk. Every single thought was just not true. I liked how apparent that was, even though it did keep coming. It made them easy to notice and drop, notice and drop. Then lunch and hopped on the little electric bus home. Tired a lot these days, just going with it.

This is a favourite spot for pausing and just being.

Nightmare last night – I awoke to a very disturbing dream. I was being held hostage at a house by a woman who was going to perform a torture on me by removing my nipples and the area around them. I was so so worried about the pain as she was not going to use an anaesthetic. I was also worried about how they would heal, what I should do to help them heal. Towels tissues, do I have anything to hand? I seemed to be accepting that I had no choice. All we were waiting for was for my mum to arrive with the knives she would use. I tried to reach out to my mum to tell her not to come but couldn’t, I ran round the house to intercept her. She was highly distressed at having to do this, but reconciled there was no choice. I woke up. Worst dream I’ve ever had!

It reminds me of the scene in the Little Buddha film when Mara comes for Siddhartha, throwing everything it can to test and tempt and terrify. Life is like that for me continuously and sometimes more acutely like this latest period. And all so that I can learn to firmly sit in the silent space inside that is always there and does not change ever no matter what is going on.

I’m feeling it as I go though this whatever it is. The part that is wobbling and the part that is the same all the time. That’s the only reason I can see clients and be undertaking this journey at the same time, otherwise I’d not be much use! This is the surrender experiment.

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