Honesty Dose

I want to put these down before my ego, which doesn’t like remembering these kind of uncomfortable things, shuts it off from my memory.

I am noticing that it’s where the ego can show itself, these little seemingly inconsequential interactions and quickly fleeting thoughts. Little slippery fears that can get to stay hidden.

First one – Noticing that my hands and nails were visible under my chin to a client on Zoom. I felt self conscious when I realised my nails might not look nice as they have no varnish on them and are a bit short just now. I had a feeling of mild fear/thought that my nails might not look ugly and I moved them away. I could be judged. A fear of being judged. A feeling of vulnerability. Fear of vulnerability/exposure in case it’s not accepted…..fear of rejection. I’m guessing here but I think that might be something like it.

Second one – When the client said she was not free next week I squirmed a little felt uncomfortable. I responded fine but noticed I wasn’t 100% spontaneous. I closed a bit inside. What is that about….something about pride hurt….whatever that means….being rejected? Though I know she wasn’t doing that. Could be a trigger for previous rejection experiences.

Another one a little different. The client is chilled about her own success and is very relaxed with it. She told me about how she flew over to stage manage a music festival her friend had organised.

I noticed a slight subtle closure feeling inside wanting to happen. A reflex happened when I noted that she is around other successful confident people. A group of friends on that same level. That’s her peer group. What did that trigger? Sadness that I don’t have that. Jealousy. Then shame for feeling jealous. It’s something I miss.

Most of my friends are relatively poor. I’ve wondered why that is for ages. Why do I not hang out with more successful confident people? Am I threatened by them? Do I choose people I feel superior to in some way, so people who have less money or from a less educated background? Nobody is superior to anyone though of course. Yet on a superficial level we are hierarchical I think. Could be I prefer those not overly concerned with accumulating money or being successful in the conventional sense. Plus they are more available during the day for spontaneous walks and meet ups as they don’t have full time careers to focus on. Could be all of the above.

I noticed it with another client, how chilled he is with his success. I had a happy response with a tinge of slight discomfort inside when he told me his salary just doubled to an eye watering amount. I was imagining my own mixed response if that was me, full of conflict about materialism and spirituality. I envy how chilled they are, and the way they allow it. I envy their success too I think.

I’m feeling really uncomfortable and agitated inside right now pondering this. Must be onto something. Or onto the wrong thing?

It could be what I mentioned in my last post – that it takes courage to face these things and be honest. Notice my confidence is a little wobbly doing this self enquiry. I’m reflecting and judging myself a bit here for these ‘bad’ things but I’ll get over it. It all has to be faced. I only meant to quickly make a note about the first 2!

There a whole weird kind of mismatch going on with where I live and who I spend time with. I never noticed the latter before till recently. Got a few friends from very different backgrounds from mine. And living in a rough neighbourhood was kind of novel and interesting at first, now it’s just uncomfortable being around people I don’t relate to though I didn’t particularly relate to living around middle class people either. Maybe I just don’t belong anywhere. I bought here because it was a great price for the size and I didn’t want to be burdened by buying a place in a nicer area. But it’s not a thriving successful potential fulfilling thriving atmosphere.