Aloneness

I just read an excellent article summing up why reading the news is bad for us. It really spoke to me ‘Stepping back from news is hard. We’re afraid of silence, afraid to be alone with our thoughts. That’s why we pull out our phones when we’re waiting in line at a coffee shop or the grocery store. We’re afraid to ask ourselves deep and meaningful questions. We’re afraid to be bored. We’re so afraid, that to avoid it, we’ll literally drive ourselves crazy, consuming pointless information.’ Time to let it go more.

Yesterday started with a therapy client who is lapping up a new era of personal self exploration with the help of various tools including the Meyers-Briggs which I had asked her to do. She is amazed, as nearly everyone is, by how accurate and helpful it is. I really like it getting to this stage with clients, when they start getting interested in self exploration and awareness.

We are past the crisis stage which brings people usually to therapy initially. At first we dig into the past and assemble a narrative of cause and effect, face the painful core belief that arose as a result (eg ‘I’m unlovable’, ‘I’m not good enough’). That’s a very sensitive process and stage where I’m there for them experiencing the pain they have tried to squish. Lot of listening, and a little intervention and lightly controlling the pacing through this. Not too much too quickly. And mixing it with confidence building exercises. That’s an art that bit.

Somewhere in there is the adding of a good dose of self compassion into the toolbox if they allow it. And if not working through the blockages to that. And theres a deep dive into strengths and positive qualities for confidence building at some point for encouragement. By then hopefully they are a little excited about the journey of self awareness…we do that for a while then they are up and running. Got another client this morning who is going even further into the transpersonal realms.

It’s really great when people get to the stage of having the courage to face what is really going on inside. It is often desperation that is the impetus initially, a wish to relieve ourselves of pain. It takes courage and confidence to really look honestly inside.

Those who have a shaky confidence find it too difficult to look usually, it throws their fragile identity too much off balance. And that’s pretty much all of us initially which is why it takes the courage of desperation for most. But once you get excited about the adventure, then it’s just fun. Not without its agonising moments, overall thrilling fun though. A continuous morphing adventure into the unknown. And once you find your anchor point inside (that which never changes) and hook it up to the everything, then you know nothing can harm you. And that is emboldening.

I was supposed to go on an island adventure yesterday with M, but when I texted he was just going to bed and had stayed up all night. That guy, much as I love him, continuously shows me not to depend on him for anything. I’m getting it. Slowly though.

Every time I’m tempted to lean on company, I am taken back to aloneness. As if it is not permitted. I easily slip into wanting more of the multiplied enjoyment I get from being with another I’m comfortable with. My personality type is a company oriented one big time (ENFP). I’ve had to learn it how to enjoy being alone which is just as well as it is 90% of my time nowadays.

So yesterday I visited a country estate, Finlaystone, which my grandmother took me to as child. I kind of enjoyed it. It was curiously shabby here and there, with stunning extensive woodland walks. Massive house, with an odd atmosphere, got the feeling that unhappiness had lived there. I thought it might be the mood inside, but later read that fortunes had been lost, and the place had passed through an unusually amount of families for a country estate.

I thought about my grandmother, how she loved exploring and visiting these places and sometimes took my sister and I. She was mostly alone though, as she had no friends and didn’t want any. I bucked up a bit when I thought of her as my role model in that respect. She seemed happy when I knew her, always off to some country estate plant sale or antique shop in a country village. Or else she was extremely noble in how she contained her pain if there was a lot in there, she never complained ever. I am definitely not noble about containing pain!

There was a dog left in a car alone barking continuously in the distance for the hour or two I was there. A metaphor as I walked around aware I’d be more energised to explore longer if I had someone to explore with. I find I can walk 3 times as long in company as I don’t notice it. Awww poor me 😂

So today I really do feel inclined to do some drawing and designing. My cad technician is pressuring me time wise, so that’s helpful for entropy. Happy to be having this day. Let me savour the precious moments with gratitude.