Was able to articulate a little better what is being experienced when I was with M. Something about his energy and presence helps me express and clarify things I can’t normally easily.
He is all action stations and wanting to create a lot of change for himself and keen for me to share that urge. It contrasts with my very stable lifestyle doing nearly the same thing, going to the same places every day. Though for me it’s all fresh and new every moment as I notice miracles all around me. I’m slow living!
I explained to myself and him that the last 5 years has been full of big changes. I’ve been running a business, bought a flat and did it up, completed a very difficult course and retrained to be a therapist and set up a new therapy website and practise while running the existing business. Tobie left home before all this and that also took a lot of adjustment. There was the death of my beloved old dog and the mourning her. The arrival of the lovely new dog. And there has been covid for 2 years and a business that was on the brink due to that. And also the ongoing changes inside. The Great Dissolving of the unreal.
It’s a kindness to myself to lie low and be quiet and stable. It is perfect just now, to be a sort of dumb idiot walking about. Not much anxiety going on. That is a welcome lack. Not much joy and love either just now I notice. I don’t actually feel much. There is a lot of bathing in appreciation and gratitude for the smallest things though.
This lost feeling. The way the identity has been chipped away at gradually and dissolved more and more from the edges in. The ‘adapted’ or conditioned self. Leaving me with a sense of disorientation. It was an identity/personality/ego structure that never felt like a good fit anyway. It did it’s job though it seemed it always had something to defend and was always wanting something else than what is happening now. I’m not rejecting those parts, they have just outlived their usefulness now.
So here there is a reorientation to living on the present and not wanting much, and letting go of preferences. How far can this be taken and still maintain a more or less normal life in society? At times I have thought I was dying, it does feel like a suicide mission as Marc Leavitt called it. Sometimes there are down times like the one I’m in right now. Not down as in depressed, but subdued while inner remapping takes place. Unable to articulate or motivate or relate much to the out there. A quiet time.
I guess I spent enough time living in the deep stillness inside for it to take over more and more and start to penetrate as a dissolving force on all the constructed fake bits. And I’m left in this spaciousness, and also a bit of a sense of disconnect. It is odd.
The story of me. What I write about here. How useful it is to come here and say a few things. It is part of processing this dissolution of selfdom I think, keeping grounded using descriptions. It has been fascinating and I’m so bored of it too. When I hear myself talk about ‘my story’ out there I could fall asleep!
Due to this, it has been helpful being in the creativity and beauty of nature among trees, birds, flowers, water. There is a slightly paradoxical feeling of oneness with everything and also loneliness and solitude out there. I love getting close and intimate with the small creatures. Like this millipede. And I love how indifferent they are to me as they get on with their lives.
Morning coffee and ice cream in the park with my old friend S was delightful yesterday too. Yes there was some fakery from me as I try to frame new things into the accepted long established framework of an old association. I tried to push though that and be fresh and innocent too in places. We agreed it would be good to meet up in person more.