Gosh what a joy and an honour and privilege to witness the abundance and the multiple miracles around in nature. A little deer we met which just didn’t run away, despite the dog, who was told to stay which she did. We walked on and left it to its foraging. A duck with 8 tiny ducklings whizzing around passed by.
I don’t know what is going on here. Am I dying, I even wonder at times. I suspect life is conspiring to wake me up with its magical way of arranging things to create the conditions for breakthroughs of insight. It doesn’t mind at all if it it hurts a bit here and there!
So multiple walks and lying down, and minimal business maintenance tasks. My face is turned away from looking at the iPad often just now, just a ‘no’. The inner instruction is ‘just be’. As in stop seeking everything.
I keep an eye on the fact that an income and a business is to be maintained. I’ve taken months off now with short bursts of activity which allow further periods of time and space. All this space and me in it getting intimate with everything.
Seeing weakness in myself just now in the current period. Many petty fears and concerns arising, and being ignored. The thoughts are coming and going and very obviously talking rubbish to me more than usual. Yes the thoughts are really crappy quality just now, little insecurities, pettiness towards others. Like flies buzzing around. Got a very low IQ, can barely hold a conversation. Don’t know what to say next. All I am capable of sometimes it seems is sitting on the riverbank staring at the water going by slowly or ambling around looking at flowers.
And yesterday a second walk, this time with M. Which was a headful, handful, heart-full to receive. He is so very concerned with the state of the world. Like, extremely.
I’m really not much worried at all. Sometimes I wonder if I am in denial and should be more concerned as he and others think I should be? Maybe. I don’t know!
I’m interested in human potential and I ponder often on the way we have organised ourselves. Particularly the hierarchical structures we tend to form and the apparently oppressive effect on large sections of the population. There will be many undiscovered virtuoso pianists and violinists in the slums of Manila who never even touch a piano or violin. I find that painful. Why do so many live in poverty? Why are we collectively and individually missing out on fulfilling our potential? I get frustrated thinking about that. So I don’t.
I see my 6 or so therapy clients a week and do my bit to help them identify and remove the blocks that hold them back. Maybe I will will do more of that in the future.
So as wonderful as it is to be in M’s company, and I consider him a closest of close friends, there is a mismatch of goals. And increasingly our interactions are him pressing, or trying to, his sense of urgency on me. I wish it could be otherwise and we could be closer and join up as a team, but there are too many things in the way, including a mismatch of fears.
I do have regular doubts about staying in the city at a time that it seems as if society’s structures are breaking down in some big ways. Like the supply chain. Maybe he is right and it’s wise to go to the countryside and become more self sufficient.
It’s just that my life is so perfect in multiple ways. I have 360 acres of woodland waterfalls fields and animals across the road literally and just have to tolerate some traffic noise and people. I have a successful business that has survived a financial crash, several frozen winters and now covid. And we are doing okay despite my lack of attentiveness to it.
There’s a nagging doubt – will I regret not moving to the country while I have the resources and energy to do that. Will I sit here watching even increasing unrest and shortages? The signs seem to be there that there is a big wobble happening. I don’t know. I don’t trust my thoughts and I don’t feel an urge to go anywhere strongly.
And I’m busy with nothing to do, nowhere to go and enjoying to flowers. My friend M is just scared, and just wants me to see what he sees and gets frustrated. He is leaving the city shortly, selling up and joining a communal band of alternative dreamy characters in the country. So another friend gone and probably my closest male friend too. I feel sad, though also glad he is taking action for his life. There’s a theme here I think. Saying goodbye to friends. Solitude. Though this morning I’m meeting a newish friend R in the park.
I’m in a constricted place right now. No big wise insightful ideas or inspired thoughts though. Not much fear either. Just nothing much really. The headache is taking up the bandwidth I think. Just met my mum and took a cocodamol. Curious about the effects she warned me about.
The friend R that I’m supposed to be meeting said she got the date wrong. I wasn’t all that nice about it since she already changed it from tomorrow to today. I just said I was glad I checked. She suggested next week so we will meet then. I am inclined to put in boundaries and be more honest and less appeasing with others. Especially at the start of a friendship. And she already violated a boundary by talking about her therapy session with T to me, though briefly. That’s a taboo, and an obvious one too in my book. But I really like her so let’s see how it goes. Trying not to judge.
So what will I do today? I’m feeling a bit 😵💫 from the cocodamol. Will visit the men on site and say hello. And then the park for some more river gazing.