Had a lovely evening at G and M’s. I appreciated the elaborate meal they made for my birthday, though I felt very unwell during and after and was awake through the night with a sore stomach. It’s still complaining. And also woke up with a sore head again and extra painful. Bit disappointed about that after only one day off that it’s back. So I’m struggling here a little with morale. And feeling my own weakness mentally too this morning. It was a good evening though with these close friends and a high degree of psychology chat so I felt engaged.
Yesterday during the day was excellent. A walk in the park with E, gazing for ages at the views, then lunch at a local pub while the dog was getting groomed and then a walk to a natural wooded valley I love. Quite an unusually long time with him, and I’m getting to know him a bit more. Still don’t know what to make of him. He asked me at one point why I seem to collect psychologically compromised men around me. It’s a good question I can’t answer easily. Are they all my dad that I’m trying to fix? G answered that it’s because I’m deeply interested in people and how the psyche works and I try and understand what goes wrong, why and how to sort it, if it can be sorted. I bumped into N in the park, who said ‘fuck you too’ when I didn’t notice him. Noticing how gruff and unrefined he can be recently.
I’m feeling a growing pressure to do some of the outstanding work that I haven’t been doing. it’s just so much easier to do what I love doing every day! There’s some guilt knowing they are waiting and wondering why I’m not delivering results. I think it’s too late now to answer all the new email enquiries. I just don’t feel like doing much except business maintenance chores. I’ve had and am having the privilege of stepping back from the world of activity these last months most of the time. I suppose I’m wondering if I’m pushing it a bit now though! (Update-did the emails, took 3 minutes!)
I don’t really have the wherewithal for reading or listening to any spiritual teachings recently, it’s as if all but the most gentle stimulation from outside is too much. The only thing that works Is being among the trees, grass flowers and birds. I’m enjoying this withdrawal from people and seeking and learning, it feels right. Inside I’m asking for help and guidance from the invisible benign intelligence.