Defending a Position


Day 4 of this headache! and feeling quite worn down and mostly want to lie down a lot. It has been useful as well as uncomfortable as it takes me to some weak points of self doubt and areas of self rejection in my psyche.

Thoughts have been arising in the small hours of night, thoughts slipping in that show attachment to self importance, and a self requiring defended against the world……throwing up examples of scenarios I could be reduced or diminished by, the weakest desperate position in social scenarios. Which I’ve just experienced a little touch of online. Self exposure followed by a socially visible attack, and little or no support from others. It made me aware of defending a position which I didn’t realise I was doing.

I see how I diminish myself if I try to hold up maintaining any position as important. If I feel any need or wish to defend a position. There has to be an ego there for it to feel the pain of being reduced or diminished in the eyes of others. Which of course touches the deepest sore spot of where I reject myself as not good enough.

The whole reason behind my willingness to expose myself is because I know it throws up these sensitivities and tendencies to self importance and social positioning and all the crap that goes along with it. Sometimes I wonder into self exposure, full of bravery I can’t sustain, and then try and skidaddle right back out feeling too exposed though. I can’t rush back out, it’s too late I have already exposed myself. Then the experience follows through and I get to see

What

I’m

Still

Attempting

To

Defend

So had a few days out even further away from business activity. Not visiting the men, or even bothering to answer emails these days, except in batches way past the polite reply time. And I don’t seem to care, or don’t have the wherewithal or resources inside to care. I’ve hardly been eating too, no appetite at all.

I feel completely well out in nature, not feeling so well when inside the house. Had a good walk out with friends so close practically family yesterday. It was fun and interesting too, diverse viewpoints and opinions.

Today I’m on an all day course called ‘Privileged Abandonment’ all about the damage done to children through the boarding school system by Nick Tufnell.

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