The colourful visual zigzags started yesterday signalling the start of a migraine and then it arrived. Mildly painful only but constant and psychologically knocks me sideways a bit. Fell asleep at 9pm last night till 2, awake till 4 then back to sleep till 7. Listening to Michael Singer’s audiobook ‘Living Untethered – Beyond the Human Predicament’ all night. I’m right in the pits of my reactiveness, facing it just now. Maybe I ask for help. I feel fear, I know I have to feel the pain fully.
I shared yesterdays post about my struggles on an awakening site and got a couple of negative responses. That was unexpected. I’m now ok with it after working through it. It also showed me a preference for acceptance. Which I didn’t get. They said I was wrong in how I’m dealing with myself. I don’t think so. It could be this is more intense for me due to the misophonia, I am not sure. Self compassion anyway, never goes to waste.
Who are we when we don’t get what we want. When life doesn’t happen the way we like? When things that we don’t like happen that we can’t control? The path to equanimity requires travelling through this territory. How long I spend there depends I think, on my willingness and courage.
Yesterday was a good day. A visit to the men on site, then a beautiful walk up the river and a sit in the woods through sunshine and showers. Then an hour and a half with my supervisor going over each client and their progress, my strategies, behaviours and reactions. All good, quite deep. Was left feeling a bit uncomfortable though. And the migraine came on too. I touched on that therapist of my son’s breaking confidence by talking a little about him. She didn’t say much, but in my book any mention is a taboo boundary. Because of that it is clear we have different values which means I’m unsure about the friendship continuing. Yet I could do with more psychologically orientated friends.
Nothing to grab onto today. No appointments, nothing I really need to do. So what will I do? These long days alone….it can tip into feeling a little lonely. Though what does that even mean…wanting company and not having some? I could have some if I wanted but don’t really want it.
These most beautiful of days I have and a life that caresses and nurtures. No space for complaint, just gratitude for my congenial circumstances, good health, the kind people around me, the beauty of nature on my doorstep. Today amid this beauty I am in the folds of the struggle for freedom and my own resistance.
“What shall I do when forever emotional reactions and frustrations are raging in tumultuous waves? Then quickly don the armor of perseverance,and in order to let the turbid state of mind and mental events be cleared, set out on the path of sheer lucency, of immaculate pristine cognition, and let no obstacles impede the road to limpid clearness and consummate perspicacity.” Longchenpa