I watch myself being jerked like a puppet by events in my environment that my ego has decided ‘should’ not be happening and that evoke disturbing feelings. And so to avoid feeling uncomfortable, I then take action so that I feel alright again.
That is the core of what I’m dealing with right now.
The reactivity. One in particular is the focus of the battleground. The noises upstairs made by the noisy floorboards when the neighbours walk on them.
I made progress the day before and I allowed the intensity of the irritation to arrive and I just felt the discomfort. I stayed with it. I did not put music on to disguise it, I just leaned back inside while experiencing it fully, like a tornado of disturbing energy swirl through me.
I felt a small victory after it. The determination was strong and helped by Michael Singer’s words from the audiobook I was playing. Like being coached. This was day 2 of renewing my determination to win this battle with my irritation (ego). I was jubilant in a mild way.
Yesterday I saw the ego launch an all out attack on my willingness to withstand the irritated reactivity that comes. I attempted to just be there with the discomfort. I did not put on music to mask the sound, I just listened to Michael Singer again, sort of leaned back inside.
This time I had such a massive kickback though. The irritation level went through the roof, and I even lost the plot completely and started thinking about ways to fix the noises from above, contacting the housing association who owns their flat, contacting them about it, throwing something up to voice the rage I was experiencing. I became overcome by the disturbance and jumped up went up onto the kitchen unit to get closer to the ceiling and the noises to try and do what? I don’t know. Try and get some kind of control I think. I’ve never done that before, it was a step further of objection. I was dangerously within arms length of being able to bang something in anger on the ceiling. I’m glad there wasn’t something to hand. I was like the Maleficent character in sleeping beauty!
What utter insanity. It was even more painful than the normal irritation level. So now I have to up my resolve a LOT, which I suspect is the entire point of the opportunity/exercise. Michael Singer makes the point that if he offered a million dollars to you for you not to get irritated, you would not get irritated. Yes it is a choice.
That choice. Massive choice.
I am spinning on a planet through space and here I am enraged by a few squeaky floorboards. This is symbolic. It is the crux of the battle for my freedom. For as long as I get irritated in reactivity the ego has me in its clutches. I want to be free from that.
It is a full on war here for my very soul it feels. The more I am determined to let the disturbing feelings be, the worse the ego’s resistance and kickback becomes. It is a battle for freedom from what has been controlling me my whole life. Getting annoyed when things are happening around me that I don’t like. I’ve spent my whole life trying to arrange things around me so I feel okay inside.
This is what everyone on this path has to endure at one point or another I think. There is no escaping it. And here I am with an enormous opportunity. They come into the room above at the same time every day, maybe 3 times a day, and each time it’s of relatively short duration, lasting between 10 and 25 minutes at most. So I can be ready and prepared each time.
It’s so interesting that maybe a year ago I had completely overcome this, and had won the war. I went through many days of being with the disturbing feelings of irritation and anger and then those feelings diminished into nothing.
I was afraid at first and used Michael Singer for a while when in the middle of it, then after a week I could do it without his supportive words. I just had the courage by then to experience the disturbed feelings. And then eventually I stopped even noticing them coming into the room above. Or if it registers there was no reaction at all. Like nothing. I thought I was cured, it was bliss. I even told my sister I found the cure to misophonia.
Then somehow, I must have started deciding it was annoying again. And I built that up by repeating it every day, and also by using an antidote. I put on music so that I didn’t hear it. And hoped they would hear the music and so I got to express my anger to them. That is quite enjoyable when irritated, the idea of some revenge. And so those old familiar neural pathways sprung back into action.
So now I’m back at square one. It says in Light on the Path by Mabel Collins ‘The battle must be won again and again’. And I that’s what is happening.
The importance of this battle I am not underestimating.
And every day comes another opportunity to make the choice. How much do I want freedom?