The hum of the heating, the warmth on the skin, the weight of the body on the seat. I’m breathing in an out in this moment. Always just this moment. Only this moment.
Sometimes there’s an urge to freak out about that, a temptation to be afraid, to recoil in terror when I encounter the direct intimacy of this moment in the now. It’s so intense without any self referential thought to mediate, to separate me from what is occurring. Why would I be afraid though….when it was always like this anyway and I just didn’t notice. I’ve realised little by little that there isn’t anything to be scared of.
Might as well pause. All I can do is relax into it. So far life carries on the same when I’m not entertaining worry. Almost. Just that I feel more ‘samey’ inside, fewer fluctuations of feeling. Less anxiety for sure recently, though that arises regularly too. I know what to do with that now though. Allow it!
So less suffering, that’s very apparent. There’s still suffering in the form of reactiveness. When I close up in response to something happening that I don’t like or want to be happening. Like noises upstairs, or clients being unfriendly. These reactions and contractions symbolise initiations, material to work through that facilitate expansiveness. Aware that there is no rush and also that I am supported in this. By what I don’t know, but help and support always seems to be there.
My friend M was telling me the other day how stable he has been feeling inside too since he started using that ‘dropping into the bodily felt sensations of the feelings, and giving them space to be there for a while’ method of turning towards suffering. Which I’ve also been doing for a few months and which has completely turned my day to day existence around. Anxiety now arises and leaves, it doesn’t cling on trying to get my attention since I now turn with curiosity and kindness towards it. This is one of the videos by Tsoknyi Rinpoche that gave me the initial courage to follow through with it, he explains the background in this one.
A few noticeably vivid dreams last night. One I remember clearly was me giving birth to my son. And doing it myself, noticing his feet and pulling him out, giving him a hug. Someone was there with me. It was all fine. He could speak which just seemed normal. I remember thinking, ‘make sure you hug him enough, babies need to feel loved and secure’. Thing is in the dream, I knew it was a second T, that he had already been born and had grown up. But that seemed normal too for there to be 2 of him. I felt calm collected and not particularly emotional. What is this saying. Is it saying anything? That the rules we have for reality are agreed upon constructs which don’t apply in dreams? No idea. Or maybe I’ve to stop trying to teach my son things, it was saying I already gave birth to him, it doesn’t have to happen twice? He protested on the phone yesterday about me trying to teach him.
Yesterday I had a wonderful walk through magical woods with M. Very rich old woodlands where few humans go, much wilder than the park. Down through the river, up the steep wooded bank to the top of the other side, and sat in a field exhausted eating mints and enjoying the view. Then to the old army camp past the pylon I used to climb right up as teenagers with my friends. Many positive graffiti messages at the army camp. Then for ice cream on the way home. It was a beautiful time. Lot of quiet reflecting gazing into the nature around, breathing into it, expanding out and embracing it all.
Only stressful moments were when he gets into chat ‘the world is full of baddies conspiring to kill and exploit us’ and gets animated about that. Yes, it’s true, and it’s also a whole lot else, much bigger than that….and it is what we make it, what we decide to focus on is what we get more of….is my view. He was great company it’s as usual and I felt completely at ease around him. That is a joyful experience as I forget myself, that there’s a ‘me’ and a ‘him’ on a feeling level anyway.
Was watching a video in bed this morning by Angelo DiLullo about the dissolving of subject and object relationships. And I am experiencing this gradually over years. Now I’m brought to examining the whole concept of relationship, which seems to require separation to exist. Of course it does, a me and you, or a me and an it.
Today there’s a therapy client shortly, then this afternoon an allotment committee meeting. Might meet my pal N there and do some plant related activity. Have planted peas, hollyhocks, courgettes, leaks, potatoes so far this year and it is all starting to come to life.