Not sure why. It was a stressful day yesterday with more minor bad news from another project – easy to sort but an expensive hassle….a few things at once went wrong the last few days works-wise that increased the stress level. I have to arrange rectification, and manage client expectations. No reason to feel low now though. Business is going fine despite set backs. All activity has some resistance points, part of the game.
More like feeling the forces of gravity. Even walking through the astonishingly beautiful park earlier, I still felt like lying down and curling up under the trees in the bluebells, closing my eyes for a nap and dissolving into nature.
Just saw a therapy client. Was making connections with them between childhood conditioning and current patterns. Appeasing abusive parents to appeasing and taking abusive spouse behaviour. Helps us to take responsibility and gain an understanding why we end up in situations.
My friend M came over at 12 and we went for a walk in the woods which was marvellous. This time of year. And also again, the depth of the conversation was wonderful. Talking about explaining consciousness to include what we see and sense around us, living directly through the senses and not thought. The intimacy with life. Then I had to pick up a work package the saw the guys and talked through progress. Paid some bills, organised this and that….
I’ve got an MRI scan later, but not feeling afraid or bothered by that. Not consciously anyway. They are investigating a small aneurysm they found during stroke investigations I think. I’ve just been using all that sort of mortality material and getting older as fuel for appreciation.
Something inside is unnerved, anxious about the dissolution aspect of what is going on. The undoing of this identity as it dissolves into everything. It even has an attempt at scaring me with a thought “watch out, this kind of thing can lead to madness, or at least a big loss of balance”. “Why thank you very much for that, I got this”, I reply. And I head for a rest on the sofa.