Slept from 9pm till 6am, and feel well for it. Yesterday morning I took one of the men to work. In a state of fear and dread I drove as we had to sort out a problem on a previous job with an irate client. So we acknowledged the anxiety of that. I voiced that I felt I was going to a murder trial with much evidence stacked against me. That’s how triggered I get at times by potentially making mistakes and angry clients. The responsibility of being responsible for what 7 employees are doing as well as my own design decisions. It all turned out well though. I apologised to the irate client who was by then relieved we were there. It felt weak to apologise. Unnecessary attempt to appease by me, we were there doing the work, he was happy about that. I take note that the apology came from how triggered I get when I perceive others are angry with me.
I stayed for 2 hours enjoying clean marks off some porcelain (some dissolved iron in the ground water) while they sorted some unfinished work that should have been done which ended up causing problems because it wasn’t done. I’ve already had a growl about that. I enjoyed being outside working. That team are finishing off a few items before they join the other team on the big project. Then I drove over to meet 2 of the other team at the new project and the client and had a walk around it with them. The other 2 are cleaning the previous project. It’s all pretty much self organising. Well not really but it feels like that when I’m not worrying, which I’m not very much these days.
Then I went to the park and woods where the most delightful baby highland cows were running around the trees. Then bumped into N and E having lunch and joined them for several hours. Just listening mostly and staring at the incredible flowers and feeding the birds.
Lovely to see them though the conversation was not deep. Lots of interesting and uninteresting stories. I always notice when it is not deep, when it’s almost entirely surface level. I get tired and unstimulated and very bored. I sat through hours of conversation with barely a hint of depth. I enjoyed being in familiar comfortable company in the beautiful setting though. That was enough. I thought about it several times but didn’t want to leave. To do what, come back to the flat and be inside…better to be outdoors.
I acknowledge the strong desire for depth of conversation, for camaraderie. For sharing the intensity of this adventure into the abyss with others. To learn from others. To be understood by others. All very human I think. Alone can sometimes slip into lonely. Maybe that has to be let go of.
It is not readily or easily available, that intensity of togetherness. And also what is behind this neediness for company and sharing on what is a solitary path. I talked a little about my thoughts on death though. Using death to ensure appreciation of the precious moments of living. My phone had died too so there was no technological distraction available, just the trees and the feeling of being alive.
M passed by on a walk and I could see he didn’t want to be invited to join us. The dog spotted him and ran after him though and we waved. I was reminded of the depth, range and intensity I enjoy with him and the contrast to what was being experienced. Part of my heart leapt out after him with the dog. I just texted him to voice that I appreciate him.
I almost wrote something critical about M there above. I notice a compulsion to do that. I often write critical things then delete them here when I notice how ‘wrong’ it feels. I feel ashamed at times by this strong urge to criticise. I want to look under every stone and see what is hiding there, including this one.
I’m noticing that I can be critical of people I know in general. I’m going to dive into that a little, I’ll write about it when I’ve downloaded what that is about and what is underneath it.
I’m noticing it in myself a lot recently. It’s a self defence mechanism. Do I try to keep myself separate by trying to be ‘above’ others. Make them into something not good enough for me? Yes all of that and more. I’m going to notice critical thoughts both expressed and unexpressed and see what happens. I don’t need to criticise anything or anybody do I?!
There’s the internet for depth. Lots and lots of it. Where those like me who want to slip through cracks into farther corners and out to the edges congregate. I enjoy and appreciate their company. I was just listening to Gangagi this morning. Like the way she talks. Relaxing to listen to. This is a bit of a heavy one, but something about the gravity I love.
So here I am at my kitchen table. Living like a Roman emperor. I have heating on, complete freedom, safety, everything I want, there are even grapes in front of me. Appreciation.
And terror. I feel that too as well as the wonder. I guess it’s time for a bit of a dig and deep dive after a period of coasting. Oh goodie. Think I’m less afraid of that now and look forward to the self disclosure and uncovering the truths that are always there under the lies.